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filmnoirsbian · 4 years ago

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you have me thinking about sharp objects again i know they can’t have a happy ending but i just want to pretend amma and camille can be sisters happy together forever and the whole murdering people thing is like a little blimp you can fix with therapy or something

I realize I Just Said I didn't feel like writing an essay about fictional characters in a fictional relationship but tbh that's because there are already a lot of fruits on here who have cornered the nbc hannibal essay market so I'm obligated to simply have a good gay time instead. BUT. Sharp Objects. Camille and Amma........that's different. This is gonna be very long and self-serving but I live for myself so here we are 😚

:MORE:

I went into it in the tags of my last sharp objects reblog but it's worth reiterating: when it comes to parental abuse, having a sibling (or siblings) truly can save your life. The abusive parent is less likely to focus all of the mistreatment on just one sibling (although of course that does sometimes happen; experiences of abused kids are by no means a monolith), and you are automatically granted a support system who knows exactly what you're being forced to survive. In my case, my sister is much older than me (similar to Camille and Amma) and was able to shield me from our mom for much of my childhood. There's a good chance that, had I gone through it alone, I wouldn't be here. I certainly wouldn't be as stable as I am, a large part of that being due to the lasting and unwavering support my sister and I have always provided to each other. Support which Camille and Amma both dearly needed and went without, Camille because her support system (Marian) died in childhood and Amma because her support system--or what could have been--(Camille) was a vague and distant thought for most of her life.

I actually think the show did a better job of portraying how siblings in an abusive home will learn very quickly to depend on each other, because the story lends itself to a visual and non-vocalized portrayal. The characters throughout the series say very little, and what they do say can almost never be taken at face value. Instead, we know who they are and what they mean because they show us. Intentionally or not, this is a perfect reflection of the roles abusers hold in society; Adora, like many abusers, is in good standing with her community. People like her. People believe her, because she is very good at manipulating her environment. Almost everything Adora says is a lie, but she's held as the pinnacle of womanhood in Wind Gap (and the Middle America that Wind Gap stands for). She's rich, well-mannered, and white. She's the marytred mother, having given up her life to raise her daughters, one of whom died at a tragically young age. Another ran off and deserted her, after embarrassing her at every turn. It's worth wondering if Adora would have gotten away with what she did if she wasn't white and affluent. Abuse can happen anywhere, across all societal divides, but people like Adora (and Alan, her accomplice even if only through inaction) certainly are given many allowances that people who aren't white and affluent would never see.

Camille is also dishonest, which she learned from Adora, but because the show relies on showing us Camille's world rather than having her tell the story, we can trust what she sees and experiences as real--or as real as we can get in Wind Gap. The entire town is a wound in stasis, never allowed to heal. It's a trauma memory. The most traumatic moment of Camille's life was Marian's death, and Marian is everywhere in Wind Gap. And so is Camille's younger self, haunting her present self just as much as her dead sister. It is the child in her that died around the same time, that was never allowed to grow and heal and flourish. When you grow up in an abusive home, you grow like weeds shooting up through the asphalt, every moment a trial in survival. Yes, we are strong enough to push through the cracks, but without the support and nurturing and care that is necessary for living things to thrive, we get stuck. Carving out a lonely existence for ourselves in the potholes, wishing for a garden.

This is how Camille has lived since Marian's death. Haunting and haunted by what was done to her, internalizing that violence and turning it inward. Adora planted the seed of generational pain which she received from her own abusive mother, and for Camille it bloomed under her skin. Gillian Flynn said "Camille is an inherently lonely person," and it's because she is the only one who will ever know what she endured in Adora's house, since Marian never escaped it. Camille is the only one of her kind--until Amma.

Camille and Amma are strangers to each other at first, knowing of one another only in a peripheral way. For Camille, Amma is only another hurt; every moment with her is outlined by the absense of Marian. Amma, who never knew Marian and barely knows Camille, feels only the sudden euphoria of no longer being alone. She lashes out at Camille, like any teenager unused to sharing the attention and wholly opposed to it, but only until she realizes the truth; Camille as her sister could never be a stranger. They've both been weaned on the same poison--to different effects, yes, but still the same. If anyone could know Amma, as she wants to be known, on her terms and without expectation of performance, it's Camille. Amma truly loves Camille, as much as she is able, and she is softer with Camille than with anything else she appears to love. After all, she learned from Adora; loving means hurting. Camille learned that lesson too, and turned all of the hurt towards herself. She may have stopped cutting, but she commits a dozen little acts of self harm everyday, from drinking and driving to putting herself into hands she knows will not be kind. Amma lashes out. She screamed "I love violence!" And she does. Violence is the only love she's ever known. Adora's acts of care can only accompany violence. She can only treat her daughters gently when they're at her mercy. When Amma expresses care for Camille, a small act of rebellion in itself, Adora responds by tearing the roof from her doll house, the thing Amma cherishes above all others. Having grown up in a venomous house, an only child in all senses, Amma imprinted on inanimate objects in place of real people. As a child with a mother that controls everything about her--from her clothes to her health--Amma reached for something she could control, in her dolls. Later this transferred to her relationships with other people, all of which exist only for her to manipulate others into getting what she wants. That Amma obsesses over a dollhouse well past an age where that seems normal also makes sense when you realize she is rewriting her childhood in the only way she knows how. Camille was forced to grow up young because she was trying to protect Marian, who was much younger than her. Amma, in contrast, only has herself to protect, which she does by babying herself and availing herself to Adora, who prefers Amma meek and mild, unwilling to see her grow up, as she watched Camille. But on the other side of town, Amma dresses down and sexualizes herself towards the whims of older boys, to better manipulate them. She lives this dual life daily, rolling through the streets of Wind Gap and committing the usual crimes of teenagerdom, but once she returns home, she becomes infantile, just as Camille feels like a helpless, traumatized girl when she returns. Amma has recreated her own house down to the most minor detail, and then signed her name to it in the shape of the teeth from her victims, forming Adora's marble floor. In this way, Amma's dollhouse is the most honest thing about her. She has taken the house that everyone in Wind Gap sees as a representation of success and good breeding, and shown it for the twisted thing it is: a place where bad things happen to little girls.

So, we have Amma, also a bad thing that happens to little girls, and still close to a little girl herself, attaching to Camille like a ship towards a lighthouse. She has never had a sister before, and she finds herself needy for the connection of it. They have this intrinsic thing in common that no one else ever will, and more than that, they're actually very similar. In the book, nearly every time Camille sees Amma acting like a teenager, she mentions seeing a lot of herself in her sister. Amma desperately wants to impress Camille and wants her to think she's cool, and Camille does. She surprises herself by wanting to reach out to Amma and provide comfort, something she has not been good at for a very long time, but it didn't surprise me at all. Camille is inherently lonely and self isolated, but she is always always always craving connection, while hiding herself away from it at every opportunity. She dresses head to toe in thick cloth so no one could glimpse or touch her scars. She does this out of shame, yes, but also fear. She doesn't want anyone to read her. In the dressing room scene, more than anything else, Camille is worried about Amma seeing her scars. But it's worth noting that, rather than disgusted, Amma is warm with Camille afterwards. Of course she understands what the scars really are; a reaction to what has been done to them. Amma makes scars too, hers are just on other people. Later, Amma is one of the only people Camille allows to touch her without flinching away, allows to run her hands over and read the scars on Camille's body. It's different from her experience with John, obviously, but she seems at peace with Amma just the same. Amma says "It's like you're my soul mate," and Camille says "It's like you're my sister." One and the same.

It surprises Camille, how easily she slots back into the role of big sister, trying to shield Amma even though Camille can barely protect herself, but it didn't shock me. Sisterhood, in my experience, is just not something you outgrow. Camille is still wounded by her failure to save Marian, and later Alice, which is another major change in the show that I think the story is better for. In the book, Camille barely has a relationship with her roommate, and certainly never bonds with her over music. In the show, Alice becomes the closest thing to a younger sister that Camille has experienced since Marian. And then she loses her too. So now, with Amma, Camille does her best to be reserved. She doesn't have the best track record with little sisters. But in the end, her reservations don't matter. She loves Amma in spite of their mother, and in spite of herself.

Sharp Objects did such a wonderful job crafting a story about three generations of inherited pain, passed from mother to daughter, the pain taking a different shape in each woman. What Adora does, despite what was done to her, is unforgivable. It is only fair that the same judgment applies to Amma, who robbed three other girls of life. Camille might one day manage to have an honest and open relationship with Amma, after Amma faces consequences for her crimes. Amma might one day be able to love without violence. The real tragedy is the future they might have had, if they had come together before the murders happened.

#idk how to add readmore links on mobile so yall gotta suffer this #asks #sharp objects #long post #abuse tw #sisterhood #camille preaker #amma crellin

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the-witty-pen-name · 4 years ago

Text

Fell in Love in Scotland Pt. 2

Sam Wilson x F!Reader

Warnings: ptsd/trauma related to war; mentions of nightmares; angst; cursing; pining; slow burn; 18+ in later parts (maybe? not sure yet)

Summary: After finding about the new Captain America, the reader goes to Louisiana to visit Sam.

Word Count: 2.1k

A/N: So I know this isn’t on my list of things I *should* be working on, but I had this idea today and I had to get it down! This is only going to be 2-3 parts. (Edit: 3 parts!) This is my first time writing for Sam!

I’m taking a small break from working on my other works in progress to focus on getting out as much Sam content as a can before Sam’s (and my) bday on the 14th! Not sure how much I’ll be able to write but that is my hope!

My biggest flex at the moment is sharing a bday with Sam.

This references Civil War, Endgame and Infinity War events in flashbacks but you know, canon is a thing I like to just maneuver around so I’m sorry if there are many major inaccuracies!

This is unedited and please let me know if I missed anything that should be included as a warning.

Taglist is in my bio

The safe house in Scotland was small. A little cottage hidden away in the countryside. Absolutely beautiful, if not for the looming reminders of why you were there in the first place.

You didn’t handle laying low well. You didn’t like not doing anything. Your resolve for handling your thoughts, your problems had always been to just push them aside. Focus your energy on anything but what would pull you down. You couldn’t allow yourself to just exist. Time stopped and there was no fight to be fought, and you hated it.

Fortunately, you were with people who understood. Sam and Steve especially. It didn’t take long for Sam to work his way in. He understood you, and he related to you. Neither one of you really needed to acknowledge it. There was an unspoken understanding between the two of you which made it all feel so seamless.

You were restless, and nights were always the worst. You’d spend several hours tossing in turning on your mattress, unable to get comfortable. You’d bring your pillow and sheet with you onto the floor of your room, and if you were lucky enough to fall asleep, you’d wake up after only a few hours. Sometimes you’d remember the nightmares vividly, other times it was just the feelings that lingered.

Most nights, you’d wait it out in your room watching the clock until it was early enough to “get out of bed.” So, you’d wait until the red numbers on the screen turned to 4am and then you’d sneak your way downstairs to the kitchen or the living room, so you didn’t need to face the idea of sleep.

After a few weeks, Sam caught on to your routine. He would join you in the mornings, help you make coffee and talk about nothing. Just helping you keep your mind off the things that bothered you. He looked as tired as you, and you would insist on him getting more sleep. But Sam never made you go through any of the hard days on your own.

“You get used to it,” he’d say, understanding what you were going through better than anybody.

“I don’t know if I can,” you admit, curled up in a ball on the sofa, the warm mug of coffee Sam made cradled tightly in your hands. The curtains are pulled open, and you stare out the window to your right, watching the sun slowly coming up.

“You should try sleeping in your bed again,” he suggests. You’d recently promoted yourself from sleeping on the floor to the couch. Baby steps. You nod, knowing he’s right.

You get a rental car the next morning and you drive to the address Sam texted you. You’re greeted immediately by two rowdy young boys, asking you if you’re an Avenger like their Uncle Sam. He’s literally Uncle Sam. How could he think he didn’t deserve the shield? Well, you know why. But the coincidence is too funny not to bring up to him once all of this is resolved.

Each of them grabbed you by an arm and drag you to the backyard. You chuckle, following their lead as they ask you a million questions. They call out to Sam when he is in view and he smiles when he sees you. Your heart flips.

“They bothering you?” he asks and you shake your head.

“No, they’re great,” you beam watching them run off.

“You look good,” he compliments you, and you feel like jelly. “You’re sleeping?” Oh.

“Yeah, I mean, for the most part,” you reply, “So do you.” You can’t miss the smile on his face. “So, uh, have you heard from Bucky?”

“I text him all the time, trying to check in, but no nothing. You?”

You shake your head. “I stopped trying,” you admit, “but I can’t blame him. He really doesn’t know me.”

“He’ll come around,” he reasons, trying to be optimistic. “So, I want to show you the boat?”

“You have a boat?” you chuckle, and he grins, nodding like a little kid.

“35-foot yacht,” he teases.

“Of course,” you smile.

It was only just noon when you both arrived at the docks. The air felt crisper, and the sun felt phenomenal on your shoulders. It wasn’t until you were outside in weather like this that you realized how often you opted to stay hidden away in your apartment. The atmosphere just felt more alive, and the air in your lungs felt almost cleansing.

You sat across from Sam on the bow of the boat, your legs dangling over the side. You were sitting close enough to him that your thighs touched, and you were trying your hardest to ignore the feeling. You just felt warm, and you felt more relaxed than you had been since you’d last seen him.

“I just need to ask,” Sam asks, cutting through both of your laughter. You really had spent the day so far just reminiscing, talking about nothing really. “Did you and Cap- were you guys…?”

“Oh god no,” you choke quickly, you stifle another laugh, “Steve was just a really great friend. No nothing like that. I would go to the end of the earth and back for Steve… but no, I didn’t have feelings for him that way.”

“I had thought maybe at one point something was going on there,” he shrugs. Is he serious?

“Never,” you reiterate.

Sleeping in a bed became easier, but the nightmares were something that you just couldn’t shake no matter how hard you tried. Many times, it would be late in the night and you’d be gently shaken awake. Sam would be kneeling next to your bed, trying to wake you up.

“Please stay,” you’d ask, eyes glossed over and your skin stained with tears. He could never say no. You’d scoot over and he’d climb in and settle next to you. It wasn’t even anything romantic. You didn’t cuddle or invade his space. You just needed to feel him next to you, and you’d be able to sleep. The cycle continued for a long while until you were able to sleep through the night without the haunting dreams.

But you missed waking up with him there.

“You need to tell him,” Steve would insist, and you’d shut down the idea every single time.

“No, I can’t,” you’d insist. The only person who knew how you felt was Steve. You hadn’t even told him; he just knew you too well.

“You’re making yourself miserable,” he’d elaborate, “you deserve a little happiness- Sam deserves happiness. He wants you too.”

“Happiness? With me?” you snort, “Steve, think about me, my past- everything I carry around with me. You know as well as I do, I can’t infect him with that when he has his own issues. We’re all too broken- he deserves better.”

“You don’t to be the one to decide that for him,” he counters. “What Sam deserves is the truth.”

“I know, I know!” you sigh, wrapping your arms around yourself and you can’t look at Steve. “Telling him how I feel complicates things to much. I can’t risk it.”

“Even if he feels the same way?”

“Especially if he feels the same way.”

You rest back on your palms, close your eyes and tilt your head up towards the direction of the sun. Your mind wanders to Steve, and how much you miss him. You were oftentimes too thick headed to take any of his advice but it was something you hadn’t realized you needed.

You decide to just throw out all your apprehension. And just take the advice from Steve you should’ve taken years ago. The timing is perfect. The universe is screaming at you to just tell him.

“I gave up the shield because I didn’t think anyone could follow Steve,” he admits, “I didn’t think I could fill the role- no one can, or maybe no one should.”

“You’re the only person who can, Sam,” you say, looking back over to him.

“When I gave it up, I didn’t think it would be given to someone else. I donated it- to keep it with the rest of what we have left of him. God- if I had known…”

“I watched on television when you donated it, Sam,” you say, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Symbols are nothing without the men and women that give them meaning… I wish you saw yourself the way Steve did- the way I do…”

“That’s not fair…”

“You said we need new heroes for the times we’re in. Sam- the world needs a new Captain America. And you know as well as I do, that man on TV they pushed out there isn’t it.”

“It’s not me, either,” he says, looking down at the water, the reflection of the two of you rippled and distorted.

“I wish you could see how much that isn’t true,” you admit, “I also- I also wish I was more like you… You’re so good at talking to me… people like us and Steve. You show people their value and their worth, and you’re just so fiercely loyal it’s almost annoying. And I suck at that, I’m a terrible communicator, and I can’t vocalize how much you’re worth, and how much you deserve the shield. Feelings are just too overwhelming and I can’t focus them into anything coherent. And you right now need what you give others just so freely, and you’re stuck with me… I know I’m not Steve, and I as much as I try to convince you the decision is yours, but you need to know that you are the only person who can be our new Captain… Steve wasn’t wrong about you, and I just… I’m in your corner.”

“(Y/N) …”

It was safe in Scotland. Quiet, secluded. Time wasn’t looming over you. There was nothing there that was any imminent threat except your own demons that you carried with you. You had a lot of regrets, past mistakes that haunted you whenever you slowed down. It’s why when you left the air force, you joined SHIELD. You were like Steve, kindred spirits plagued by the after effects of war and both of you resolved to fighting rather than be left to your own devises.

Not like Sam. Sam put his focus into helping others. Selfless, and understanding, he was always there. He was thoughtful with what he chose to fight for, which is something you greatly admired. He was morals and loyalty, and everything that made a great man. He was a friend first, and a fighter second.

Which is such a rare quality that you wished you could tell him you noticed.

Steve got very into crossword puzzles. He found a box up in the attic tucked away of old books from whoever used to live here. He’d sit on the armchair in the living room, pencil in hand and try his best to fill in what he knew. He ended up heavily relying on you and Sam to fill in the references he didn’t know.

You and Sam would be on the couch, you tucked into his side, watching television or sometimes you’d both read, old magazines or anything you could find for entertainment. One night you both sat on the floor on opposite sides of the coffee table with an incomplete deck of cards playing Double Solitaire, and Steve would occasionally vocalize a clue he was stuck on.

“Drummer of Duran Duran. Blank Taylor. Five letters,” Steve said, not looking up from the flimsy book.

“Roger Taylor,” Sam answered aimlessly, tapping the card in his hand to his chin as his eyes scanned the columns of cards.

A few minutes of silence follow before Steve speaks again.

“1996 Looney Toons film starring Michael Jordan. Eight letters.”

“Space Jam,” you smirk, and you bite your lip to hold back a laugh. You want to ask him what the theme is for the puzzle he’s working on but you decide against it. You don’t want to embarrass him.

It felt really silly. The three of you, all ex-military crime fighters on the run, couped up together in this tiny living room, playing cards and helping Captain America with a pop culture crossword. Maybe it just felt weird because it was so normal.

You’re sweating. You didn’t realize it until just now. The dampness of the underarms of your t-shirt was all you could focus on. Why were you so nervous? Because again, the universe if giving you every single sign to just tell him. Yell it out so loud it echoes back to you across the water. Tell him. Tell him everything.

Every harbored fantasy of being with him. Tell him how much he means to you and how sorry you are that your fears drive you away from him. He feels so strong, and stoic next to you, it’s making your head spin and you feel like your brain is leaving your body behind. He’s so understanding and patient, and here you are, again, leaving him on another cliff hanger.

“Sam, I need to tell you something.”

No going back now.

Taglist:

@greeneyedblondie44 @witchybarb @stiles-stilinski-24-dylan @sassy-kassaay @aynanasstuff @claudiaatje @lieswithoutfairytales @ttalisa @januarystears

#sam wilson #sam wilson x reader #sam wilson x you #sam wilson x y/n #the falcon and the winter soldier #sam wilson fanfiction #justsamwilson #falcon #slow burn #friends to lovers #anthony mackie characters #mcu imagine

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lilchibi-chan · 4 years ago

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So I was listening to the Dear Evan Hansen soundtrack and had a thought. Kenma and Yamaguchi (separately) having a crush on the reader 🥰 Kinda like “If I could tell her” (that’s the song name)? Could u maybe write something for it? 👉👈🥺

Of course!! I hadn’t seen the show previous to this request, so I took a watch and did my research. Also, it’s so nice to see you requesting again💖 I hope you’ve been doing well and if not, I hope this helps and I’m open to talk if you need someone 🌸 Hope you enjoy 🌸

Kenma

You, Kenma and Kuroo were all at Kenma’s house doing homework/studying. You all live close to each other, so it’s not completely unusual that you all are at one of the other person’s house. Whether it be doing homework or just hanging out, you guys are always together.

You all had a literature assignment to write a poem about love, whether it’s in the form of a person or a place that makes you feel that way and etc.

Kenma decided to write his poem about how he feels about you. He’s had a crush on you for a while and he’s never had the courage to tell you. He still doesn’t, but he thought a good way to get his feelings out would be through this poem.

You all decide to switch papers to see what the other think of the poem you each wrote. Kuroo and kenma switched papers first, or so you thought, and you were gonna go after the two of them read theirs out loud.

“I’m going to read Kuroo’s first to get it over with,” Kenma says

You and Kuroo get comfortable to listen to Kenma read.

Kuroo secretly cheers him on, which you don’t notice

“The poem reads Her hair is dark like the wings of a raven Eyes bright like the sun is behind them Heart made of gold and skin made of satin These feelings I have stay quiet as I hide them Behind these eyes, she doesn’t see I wish she could because I want her with me I lay awake, thinking of her Wishing one day that I could tell her The way she smiles makes my heart skip a beat The way she laughs sets my soul on fire We’ve been friends for a while But I feel like we’re miles apart Due to the feelings I hide in my heart”

“W-wow,” you say taken aback by the words written on the paper

You also noticed that Kenma looked at you the whole time he read it. He was usually the type that avoided eye contact, but it was like he wanted you to hear his feelings and feel them pouring into your soul.

“Kenma, w-would you mind if I took a look at the paper,” you ask

“Uh.. um.. sure,” he says reluctantly handing it over

You read the paper and see that it’s Kenma’s name at the top.

“Kuroo, would you mind if Kenma and I spoke alone,” you ask

“Uhh.. no, go ahead,” he says, leaving the room

“S-so, how long have you felt this way,” you ask Kenma lowly

“A while,” he says not wanting to look you in the eyes

“Kenma, you can face me. I’m not scary,” you say trying to comfort him

“I-I know, but I’m not really good with people,” he says

“Well I’m not just anyone, I’m your best friend and...I kinda..have feelings.. for you..too,” you confess

“R-really,” he says surprised

“Yeah. I love spending time with you and your passion for video games and you teaching me how to play. I love that you never go easy on me either. I know games are like your everything and for you to share that with me took a lot and I know that.”

“Everything is easy with you, y/n” he confesses,“it kinda feels like I’ve known you forever and I’ve never really been that comfortable with anyone.”

“What about Kuroo,” you ask laughing

“He kinda just claimed me as his, but I don’t mind having him around. To be honest, I do feel lonely without him being here, but sometimes even then, I think of you and I don’t feel lonely anymore. Just the thought of you being here brings me comfort.”

You sit there again, this time almost on the brink of tears.

Kenma looks up at you and notices the tears brimming your eyes.

“A-are you okay,” he asks worried

“Y-yeah, I’m fine,” you say,“it was just really nice to hear you say that because I feel the same way. You’re my comfort person and whenever I think of you, I just feel warm and fuzzy inside. It sounds cliche but that feeling is indescribable”

“Y-y/n, would you..maybe...wanna hang out this weekend...but like, a date,” he asks

“Of course, Ken. I would love it.”

He smiles and you hear Kuroo open the door

“Ugh finally! I thought you two were gonna let me stay out there forever,” Kuroo says being dramatic, causing you to laugh

“You would’ve been fine,” Kenma says

“Gosh Kenma, you’re so cold. Why can’t you be nice to me like you with y/n” Kuroo says, fake crying

“You’re both two different people who I have different relationships with. You are not the same,” kenma says

“Wow Kenma,” Kuroo says holding his chest where his heart is

“Guys c’mon,” you say interrupting,“we all love each other now let’s just hang out like we usually do and have fun.”

And you all do just that until you and Kuroo decide to leave.

Yamaguchi

Today at Karasuno, there is an assembly being held with a talent show right after.

A couple weeks ago, when the talent show was announced, Yamaguchi decided that he wanted to do something big. He wanted to confess his feelings to you through a song.

Yamaguchi isn’t the most confident, but he wants to prove that for you, he would do anything.

He spent the two weeks doing research on different songs that explained exactly how he felt about you until he found the perfect one.

He also asked Tsukishima to help him by playing guitar and asked Daichi and Kageyama if they would do background vocals for him.

Tsukishima agreed because he was glad to see Yamaguchi grow some balls and take charge. Kageyama took a little more convincing and finally agreed when Yamaguchi offered to by him as much milk as he wanted and snacks after school if he helped. We all know Daichi being the dad friend agreed no questions asked.

They practiced everyday after practice.

Although they were tired, they knew how important this was for Yamaguchi.

Finally, the day has arrived and the boys are backstage getting ready.

You and Yachi are sitting in the crowd anticipating their performance.

“Wow this is so exciting. I know I could never do it because I’m really bad at dealing with people staring at me, but the good this is that it’s not me up there,” Yachi says to you

“I know,” you say, smiling big,“who knew?! Yamaguchi, Kageyama and Daichi can sing and Tsuki can play guitar!”

“I know this is amazing,” Yachi says gushing with you

After the student council presented what they had to, they announce that Yamaguchi, Tsuki, Kageyama and Daichi were the first act.

They all walk out on the stage and you can see Yamaguchi tense up once he turns his eyes to the sea of people.

You start cheering louder so that Yamaguchi can find you in the crowd and you hold up the poster that you and Yachi made last night.

“H-hi,” Yamaguchi says into the microphone,“I uh..I’m going to sing a song today that describes a really special girl in my life. It’s called Truly, Madly, Deeply by One Direction. Y/n, I hope you like it.”

“I haven’t heard this song before,” you say to Yachi as you both clap for them to hype them up and know that they have your support.

“Me neither,” you say,“but it should be good. One Direction have some amazing songs.”

Yamaguchi starts singing and you couldn’t believe your ears. He was actually really good. You couldn’t believe that he had hidden this talent from you.

You start listening to the words in the song and you realize that this is Yamaguchi’s way of confessing his feelings to you.

You didn’t know that he did, but there were times you thought maybe and you just were never really sure.

At this moment, they were solidified. Yamaguchi has feelings for you and he’s done hiding them. He also wants the whole world to know about it.

This is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you and you think to yourself ‘this is the kind of thing that happens in movies’

This felt like a dream to you. A dream you didn’t want to wake up from.

He looked in your direction the whole time and it felt like you were the only two people in the auditorium.

The song was beautiful and everything about this moment was perfect.

Sadly for you, it did come to an end.

The rest of the acts perform and the talent show ends.

Yamaguchi got second place.

You go see Yamaguchi and the rest of the boys back stage.

“You guys did amazing! You totally deserved first place,” you say pouting

“Y/n, can w-we talk for a second,” Yamaguchi says pulling you aside

“Yeah...you did amazing by the way. I really wish you would’ve gotten first place,” you say reiterating that he should’ve won the talent show

“It’s fine y/n,” he says honestly,“this performance was for you and only you, so I feel like I did win.”

“Yamaguchi,” you say smiling

“Y/n...I really like you and I had to tell you. I couldn’t hold it on anymore.. I hope you’re okay wi-,”

You interrupt him by crashing your lips on his.

“I couldn’t ask for a better confession. That was so romantic and I would love nothing more than to be your girlfriend...if you’re okay with it too,” you say with a giggle

“I would love nothing more than to be your boyfriend y/n”

You kiss again and walk back over to the group hand in hand.

There’s clapping and cheers and whistling.

You were so happy. The both of you were.

You couldn’t ask for a better day or a better boyfriend.

I hope you enjoyed this. I really wanted to try and make it perfect for you. I hope this met your expectations 🥺🌸

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rechoired · 4 years ago

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A problem with the Tales Of Arcadia community

First and foremost, I’d like to ask anyone taking the time to read this to please read the post all the way through before commenting on the matter. There is a lot of dirty laundry to unpack here, and some points will be building off previous ones.

I’ll get right to the point. Most everybody in the Tales of Arcadia fandom will have heard of the blog imthegingerninja / ginger-le-gay. She is one of the most well-known ToA-centric blogs, after all. (If you’re wanting to avoid her on Twitter as well, her account is Margaret Bell, or @The_Book_Bell.)

This is your PSA, TOA fandom: Ginger is a toxic, manipulative person.

This is not a claim I like to make lightly, but it’s long overdue that this issue is properly brought up within the fandom.

I’ve seen so many people wonder why the Tales of Arcadia fandom is so small. Well, I and many others very strongly believe that Ginger is one of the main reasons for that, if not the main one. To make matters easier, I’ve tried to break this down into some main points. So let’s take a look at how Ginger falls under this category.

Disclaimer: Please DO NOT look at this post as an excuse to harass Ginger or any other blog mentioned here. This sort of behavior is NOT acceptable. The point of this post is to educate those who may not know the extent of her harrowing behavior, nothing more.

1. Dishonesty and Death Threats

[EDIT: Shortly after this post went up, she started blatantly lying about me to try to cover for herself. You can see those lies being easily disproven here]

Ginger has been kicked from at least three Tales of Arcadia servers, all for similar reasons of violence. While I cannot provide screenshots as I am no longer part of the servers they were in, there are multiple witnesses that can verify the disgusting behavior she engaged in. The one I saw specifically was her saying that certain members of the fandom should be gathered up and hunted for sport, among other gross things. (Elaboration of why can be found in point 3, though it still doesn’t excuse this kind of talk)

Here is some points made by another blog that also sums up similar issues with Ginger, though:

While there were multiple instances of her inciting violence towards others, this is unfortunately one topic I cannot provide specific screenshots for at this time. But I will add them in as I can find them. That being said, I want to move to the dishonesty, something I do have a screenshot for.

While you could argue that people sometimes notice the similar things, this is far too close together to be considered an “original find”. The reblog button is there for a reason, but she instead decides to steal the OP’s premise and present it as her own original thought.

There have been a couple other blogs that have confirmed that their theories and analysis posts were often stolen and presented as Ginger’s own as well, to the point where they stopped bothering even making such posts, as the above blog points out. (Out of respect for their privacy, I will not be naming these blogs. Say what you will about that possibly weakening my point, but if she’s willing to so blatantly steal from that person shown above, it shouldn’t surprise you that she’s so willing to do it to others.)

Theory-making and analysis posts aren’t as solidly “original content” as a piece of art or fanfiction, sure, but it’s still common fandom courtesy to give credit where it’s due. Ginger has intentionally avoided extending that courtesy far too many times.

2. Hypocrisy

Most of this is going to be about past Merlin vs. Morgana drama, though there are also words to be said for the incredibly shaky relationships she forms with “friends”.

But first let’s talk about those wizards.

This is a topic I’ve tried to approach with Ginger before, but she borderline refused to acknowledge any of the points I was trying to make, and when she did, I don’t know if I just wasn’t being clear or what, but it honestly looked as though she was purposefully trying to misunderstand what I was saying in her bizarre responses. (To be fair, I was sending messages out of anger because she vagueposted about a blog I admired, calling them a “disgusting creep” because of them simply saying they’d hoped Jim and Merlin would be able to actually bond at some point... Not really a justifiable reaction to such a harmless thought, in my opinion. But my point is, I recognize that the circumstances may have clouded my ability to vocalize my thoughts clearly.)

That aside, we should first acknowledge this post Ginger made to save face after having gotten some backlash about hate-train related things (Side note: I couldn’t find the original post, so this is a screenshot I got from someone else. I did not add the writing. The text underneath it should still be slightly readable, I hope.):

Taken at face value, this is a very reasonable post. I think everybody would and should be able to agree on it. Hate-meme him for fun, sure, but don’t actually harass or insult others over a fictional character. Simple, right?

Apparently not, because Ginger’s done loads of that to others. Probably why the “LOL” was added in, I bet.

This post confused me. First of all, exploring dark topics (”angst”, as you put it) has never been a rare occurrence, every fandom has that content, most in heavy abundance. I’ve noticed no staggering difference in volume of this fandom compared to others I’ve been in. People enjoy angst not because they think the character “deserves to be in pain”, they enjoy a fictional blow to their own emotions. There’s lots of different reasons people like angst, but it’s barely ever been out of a genuine hate for whatever character’s the focus, from all the things I’ve seen. Your own friends have indulged in Jim angst and body horror posts before, does that mean you think they’re awful people? I feel like I shouldn’t have to explain something like this.

Also, way to basically admit you think all Merlin stans get off on child torture. So much for “If you like Merlin as a character, you’re valid”, am I right? God, what a mess of a post. (It’s been very recently deleted, which makes me wonder if she got more backlash on it, but just... wow.)

Let’s look at another one.

Again. Vagueposting about someone specific, I’d wager, since most of the people I’ve seen comment on this topic either think both characters are morally gray, or hate both.

But of course, when it comes to Morgana, suddenly excusing bad behavior can be justified. Ginger can call someone a disgusting creep because they want a familial bond between Jim and Merlin, that’s just wrong, but pushing the Mom-gana narrative with the genocidal abuser and Toby is completely fine, folks.

(Note: I would like to point out that I really don’t care about what theories and hopes people have for Morgana. You should be allowed to love that character in any way you want, same as I would say for Merlin. My issue with these examples is the completely brazen hypocrisy in which these two characters are treated. You’re obviously allowed to love Morgana without consequence, but the same should be said for any character of the show, and yet it’s not.)

The most obvious instance of this double-standard is well observable here, I believe:

... I think this mostly speaks for itself. Sorry, but this is very blatantly trying to excuse Morgana’s actions, here.

Oh hey, remember that post about Ginger saying that liking Merlin must mean you want to see Jim in horrible pain?

Say anything similar about her with Morgana, and suddenly she takes issue with this line of reasoning!

I’m sorry, but if you can’t take this sort of thing, then you shouldn’t be dishing it out. One of your own friends is still getting hate over the simple fact of liking Merlin, and all this mentality is exactly why.

Let’s look at one more.

Fun fact! Morgana horrifically abused somebody for centuries, tried to kill multiple kids, took horrible advantage of Claire (probably traumatized her), and canonically wanted to genocide humanity, not to mention all the OTHER murders she's committed, both directly and indirectly.

But somehow pointing any of this out “doesn’t count”. This is why the fandom keeps saying more and more things like this:

And this:

I could be going through her constant hating on Merlin and people who like Merlin for days straight, but I hope you all get the idea by now.

Again, I would like to just reiterate: You can like whatever character you want for whatever reason you want. The problem with this case is the hypocrisy and mistreatment of others, not your taste in characters.

Now interestingly enough, she’s lately been singing a different tune about the guy, switching from the “I hate Merlin I hope he dies!!!” mentality to “Oh he should get a redemption arc too :)” sort of thing.

I’m highly convinced that the only reasons for this “change of heart” is because of the constant backlash she was getting for the obnoxious amount of hate posts being thrown around all the time, but also because Aaron Waltke keeps tabs on the fandom more lately, and has spoken himself about Merlin not being a villain.

I could go on about this point forever, but I think I’ll just leave the Merlin topic with this post going through the hypocrisy of the Merlin Hate Train. In fact, here’s two just for fun.

Now onto more real-world focused areas of hypocrisy. One such instance can be found in Ginger’s Janus Disorder server.

Just take a look at this post.

While the offender in this case isn’t Ginger specifically, it still takes place in her server, and she made no moves to enforce her “No discourse” rule. All over... what? A random kudos on a fanfiction that’s not even about anything controversial since all characters involved are adults? I immensely don’t understand the point of why this ever had to be an issue, or why nobody spoke up about how ridiculous this is.

I’d also like to point out a certain user called firecat17. For some quick context, waaay back in the Kung Fu Panda fandom (around 2018), this user had been harassing people and saying incredibly vile things, a person of which Ginger had a bit of a feud, but firecat’s anon threats had gotten to the point where Ginger ended up having to block their IP.

Obviously, the user firecat was the one in the wrong, here. (Also, the irony in this comment is through the roof...)

Interesting point there, Ginger. Sure would be nice if you practiced what you preached.

Why am I bringing this random old drama up, you may ask? Well, it just strikes me as strange that someone who was so vile to Ginger is suddenly on her okay-list again, sending her asks and getting casual responses as if nothing ever happened.

To be fair, there is the possibility that they worked out their differences in private. But given the severity of the kinds of words being exchanged, I would still find that rather suspicious.

When someone who’s said things so vile can be so easily forgiven, yet something as harmless as leaving a kudos on some random fanfiction is considered grounds for harassment, it’s obvious there’s no stability or room for trust among this group of people. Unsurprising when there’s been several instances of this “friend group” turning on each other.

If you think you’re somehow different, that your “friendship” with Ginger or the others is more valued than that, then I’m sorry to burst your bubble but it’s likely not true. She’d throw you under the bus at the hint of you doing something she deems problematic, as it’s happened to multiple blogs before you.

3. Demonization of and insensitivity towards s*xual abuse victims

(This topic is one that’s hard for me to talk about, being a victim of CSA myself, so I’ve gathered some different sources to do most of the main talking for me. I tried to form more commentary on this myself, but I get too emotionally charged in my responses, and I don’t want that to cloud any reader’s perception of what I’m trying to communicate here, so I’ll try to keep most of my comments brief on this one.)

One thing recently brought to my attention about Ginger and her squad that especially bothers me is their rashness in labeling people p*dophiles and p*do apologists. If these claims were true, then I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

But these people are accusing others of these horrible things and threatening them on the sole basis of fictional content.

Now before you fly off the handle at me, let me be very clear: I absolutely understand that there are gross people out there who use the “It’s all just fiction” argument to hide their actual, pr*datory behaviors. (We’ve all probably seen at least one or two neckbeard memes of that caliber)

But like it or not, exploring traumatic themes through a fictional lens is something that has been studied and proven to be a genuine coping mechanism for some. It’s not something that works for me, but I knew a few people from past therapy groups that it worked surprisingly well for. Bringing a trauma into a controlled environment and processing it through fictional means can and does help some victims deal with what they went through.

It’s important to understand that not everyone processes their experience in the same neat, little boxes you have laid out as the only “acceptable” ways of coping. Trauma fiction and expressive arts therapy are commonly used by victims, and it does help some people, whether you like it or not.

I’m already dragging this on too much, so here are some sources for better-worded information on the topic (Warning: Most of these deal with highly sensitive themes such as gun violence and s*xual abuse.)

Source 1 - Source 2 - Source 3 - Source 4 - Source 5 (pages 61 onward, specifically) - Source 6 - Source 7 - Source 8 - Source 9 - Source 10 (and believe me, if those all don’t satisfy you, I can easily supply more.)

And this quote from source 9 I think sums it up best:

“Fiction works differently. My imagination gives me a framework to process the grief and terror and the consequences, even when I myself have not found any resolution. It allows me to enter my own traumatic experiences sideways and linger inside them, if I know I can give them to characters who might be lucky enough to find the antidote: love, connection, community, family. In other words, I can enter — and exit — the trauma loop through stories that are not exactly the same as mine.

This goes for the reader also. Recent studies periodically assure us that stories — literary fiction, hardcover books, even the simple act of reading — promote empathy. We rarely have identical experiences, so fiction is how we practice linking our similar or parallel realities so we can feel them. This seems particularly useful in our current society, where we are all so separated, and are working so hard to block the violence that keeps happening to us from our minds.

Fiction connects us, and it can also contribute to our healing. When we see ourselves in worlds we don’t live in, like The Handmaid’s Tale or The Color Purple, sometimes, that very different violence helps us finally process our own. Because as much as our memoirs and testimonies are brave and validating, fiction does not just mirror our truths so they are safe to experience; it also helps us endure the aftermath. Because long after the immediate experience is over, survival struggles onward, in every moment of our daily lives.”

While most professionals have in the past advised that victims keep their trauma-related works more private, to only show it to your trusted friends or family, the fast-growing use of the internet has led more people to sharing it in an online platform, which is not unexpected behavior.

I unfortunately don’t have the screenshot of the original post, but there was a post made some time back literally telling a fandom member to go and hang themselves over this garbage. A survivor of s*xual abuse, no less. And to top that off, one of Ginger’s squad @emmy-puff commented in support of that violent post, as well as blatantly misgendering the target of it. While, again, I was unable to get screenshots, there are multiple witnesses to this instance, one Anonymous even having called them out on it back when it happened. (I suspect that Emmy deleted that answer due to how bad it made them look.) If anybody reading this has screenshots of the initial post or the ask that came of it, please feel free to share.

I don’t care who you are or who you’re talking about, if you use misgendering someone as a way to hurt them, then you are an insult to the trans community. That is an awful thing to do, and you lose so much credibility if that’s the only thing you can fall back on when getting in a fight with someone. While this post isn’t about Emmy specifically, this is exactly the kind of hateful rhetoric that’s being encouraged in the environment Ginger’s made.

Another thing I would like to point out on this matter is an instance that happened in the ToA fandom a couple years back. I, again, don’t have screenshots available (I believe the original post ended up deleted) but the post in question caused enough of a fuss that I’m sure a few people must remember it...

A while back, there was an artist that posted uncensored, untagged r*pe art of Aaarrrgghh, Gunmar, and Jim in the main Trollhunters tag. As you can imagine, this infuriated many people. Many of which are among the list of those who’ve been labeled “p*do apologists”. Almost the very minute that post showed up in the tag with no trigger warnings of any kind, the fandom immediately got on OP’s tail about it, because they all shared that basic understanding of “This is a traumatizing subject for many people and they should have the ability to avoid it”. If the people you’ve labelled as pr*dator supporters were really as awful as you say they are, they would’ve jumped to that person’s defense, too. But they were completely against OP’s horrible lack of consideration of survivors, right alongside the rest of the fandom.

Am I saying you have to like trauma fiction? Absolutely not. Are there people that make trauma fiction that are actual pr*dators? I’m sure there are. But those people would be that way whether trauma fiction was out there or not. Gross people have existed and will always exist regardless of what media is out there.

I deeply understand the controversy, uncertainty, and stress that surrounds this topic, I promise you, I do. But the fact of the matter is, some people actually do use trauma fiction and expressive arts therapy as a way of coping, as has been observed in people even from ages as young as 5. To say otherwise is blatantly untrue. This isn’t a matter of opinion or morals, this is plain, studied facts that you cannot change about human psychology.

Nobody should ever have to go through something as horrible as s*xual abuse of any kind, and I know how deeply upsetting it can be to see certain images or stories with those themes in play. Those users with a sense of decency and understanding for fellow victims will tag their posts with the appropriate warnings. After that, it’s up to you to filter out what you don’t want to see. You curate your own internet experience, and it’s just plain irrational to try and harass everyone into conforming to your rules. While it’s an 18+ blog’s job to make sure to tag and label their content appropriately, it is your job to block the things you don’t want to see, whether you’re an adult or a minor. It is YOUR job to blacklist content that you know will upset you, because it is always going to exist on the internet, and any internet user needs to know and understand that. Multiple times I’d seen people going off about posts that were already appropriately trigger-tagged. If you don’t have those upsetting tags blacklisted by now, then the fault is mostly on you in that kind of case, not the OP.

Before I end this topic off, just one more example of blatant disrespect towards victims:

I’m sorry, but the absolute nerve of comparing some random fictional character you’re petty over to an actual pr*dator who’s terribly hurt real children is just awful. Imagine how insulted one of Onion’s victims would be if they saw that. Lord.

Ginger claims to care about victims, but she’s made it abundantly clear that she only cares about those that behave the way she think a victim should.

4. Ableism

I’m going to just show a couple posts here and let them mostly speak for themselves.

Just... my God. You looked at the definition of psychopath and decided that was enough to give you qualification to speak like this about it? Do you realize the extensive work and study of human psychology goes into the diagnosis and understandings of psychopathy? Not to mention, you just admit to thinking people deserve hate because of a mental disorder they legitimately have no control over? I’m sorry, but that is just cruel. Demonization of the mentally ill is not cute or funny. Next.

While I’m still annoyed with Emmy’s transphobic treatment of another user mentioned earlier, they make a very solid point in this instance. (The first post they referenced has since been deleted, but here’s the second one speaking out against the ableism.) I feel I don’t need to add much to this, as these points have already been argued very well by users better qualified to speak on the subject than I.

5. Manipulation tactics

This part is more observations of two kinds of abuse tactics Ginger appears to demonstrate, using the above as points of reference.

First, there’s DARVO.

Then, less formally, there’s this good point about online cult mentality.

Before you say anything, obviously I don’t think Ginger thinks of herself as some sort of deity. While it could be argued that she considers herself a point of authority within the TOA fandom maybe, I haven’t seen enough of this to say for sure how far that goes. So that point can be ignored, because it mostly doesn’t apply in this case. (The “Dictating parts of your online life” might also not apply, but I can’t say for sure as I haven’t gotten any confirmation of that sort of thing in Ginger’s group.)

But there are grains of truth in the other four points, especially that last one. Plain and simple, she’s made people afraid to speak their minds about even harmless things such as character analysis.

Ginger is someone who can’t seem to comprehend different viewpoints and life experiences. She’s extremely unsympathetic towards people she doesn’t understand, as can be observed in above examples. Assuming malicious intent from everybody you can’t understand is a dangerous and hurtful mindset to have, for both you and those who you unnecessarily scorn.

There are a few outcomes I’ve speculated should she ever come to see this post.

1. She will ignore this post completely, pretending as if it doesn’t exist

2. She will dismiss me as being some sort of horrible person, a p*do apologist or something of the sort (despite being a victim of that myself, clearly she doesn’t care about who’s actually been hurt by real p*dos or not if they don’t conform to her narrow worldview), and claim nothing I’ve said bears any meaning, despite the extensive evidence I’ve provided.

3. She will get people to try and attack me.

4. She will actually address these points in a tactful, mature, and serious manner instead of her usual act of trying to dismiss everything at the slightest hint of non-conformity. (The least likely outcome, but one can dream.)

I could add to this post all day, but it’s long enough as it is and my focus was on getting the main points out of the way. I understand that I lack some of the receipts necessary to back myself up in a few parts, but I know that many other fans have bared witness to those things, so I know there will be at least some people who’ll know what I speak of is true, and that’s good enough for me.

That being said, if anybody has screenshots of the instances I wasn’t able to provide for, it would be greatly appreciated if you could add them into the conversation.

!!!-If you have screenshots, but are too uncomfortable to get involved in this, then you can private-message them to me and I would be grateful and more than happy to add them in while keeping you completely anonymous.-!!!

(I've removed the section with all the tags, as I recognize it was probably going overboard. My goal was just to spread information, not to try and involve those tagged, but I understand how that may have gotten lost in translation and made people uncomfortable. Also, it apparently was showing up multiple times in people’s notifications when I only tagged people twice, so I’m not sure why that glitch happened, but I apologize for that annoyance as well.)

Now, to end us off, my responses to questions or angry comments I’m probably going to get:

You don’t even have all the evidence! How are we to know you’re not just lying about some of this?

Admittedly, I don’t have as much screenshot proof as I would like, that’s true. But for most of the instances I couldn’t provide for, there were other witnesses to her bad behavior. I don’t really have the need to lie when there’s already a lot of knowledge out there of the bad stuff she has done. Nor do I really have the emotional investment in this fandom anymore to lie for the pointless reason of causing drama.

Why post this on a throwaway account if you think people are on your side?

I just don’t really want my main blog associated with TOA anymore, to be frank.

You tagged a bunch of people, so you must be trying to get them to attack Ginger!

No. I tagged a bunch of people because I think this information should be heard on a wider scale, considering the position Ginger has in the fandom. I don’t want her or anybody else to be attacked, but her negative impact on this fandom deserves to be acknowledged.

Again, I don’t think Ginger or any of the others deserve harassment or cyberbullying or anything of that manner, that’s kind of what this whole post is against. And it just hurts the situation more than it helps it. What bothers me is how she’s never apologized for or even once acknowledged the gross way she’s treated people. While she might be more low-key about it now, she still treats people who don’t deserve it like garbage. There are still several people upset about the damage she’s caused to this fandom, rightfully so. I wouldn’t be so loud about making this post if I didn’t think it was something worth drawing attention to.

Thank you for reading.

#TrollHunters #3Below #TOAwizards #Tales of Arcadia #TOA

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jiminiediminie · 4 years ago

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A not at all brief commentary post BTS on MTV unplugged because this left me with so many feels. (forewarning this is long)

It’s so hard sometimes to decide my favorite type of BTS performance -- the over-the-top performances that we see on award shows or the stripped back performances like in tiny desk or now MTV Unplugged. But there is something so authentic about the stripped back performances; they get to just sit there -- no choreo -- and it becomes all about the music and the vocals/rap.

So, I was very excited that BTS was doing something like this again. They have been so quiet lately that I missed seeing them perform. And like many people BTS is an escape from the real world for a little while for me, and I desperately needed that this week.

Throughout this entire show I had the biggest smile on my face. I am so angry that MTV spoiled the surprise of telepathy and especially the coldplay cover. I would have loved to go into that blind and be shocked. Also the random commercials of teen mom, jersey shore, and floribama gave me literal whiplash. I did not want to see some random shirtless person right after I just died watching BTS’s performances. Poor thinking on MTV’s part. Another thing that I noticed throughout all these performances was that the mic’s were on. You can hear the backtrack and them singing over it. Since some people love to point out that they could have been lip syncing since it was pre recorded.

I like that BTS brings attention to member’s who are heavily involved in a song’s writing/production. So i appreciated that tae and yoongi introduced b&g and telepathy.

I also have to mention that it is so nice to have all 7 of them back together. There was just something missing when yoongi was gone and now they feel whole again.

Moving on to breaking down each performance:

Telepathy

That set fit the retro vibes of the song so well

The donald duck on most of their clothes? What was the reason?

Jimin on that red bike (he looked so good!) and then tae joining and sitting in the side car 😂

Jungkook’s matching jean outfit with his blonde hair. A look

I love that when it’s a fun song BTS cannot sit still. They do little dances in their seat

Vmin’s little dance. It looked like jm was trying to hold back a laugh

Blue and Grey

I was so hyped for the potential of a blue and grey performance. It is one of my favorite BTS songs and probably my favorite of their more “chill” songs.

The set was so pretty and the lighting behind it was so cinematic. The lighting changed from warm to cool and back to warm as the song progressed

Tae looked and sounded so good in this. I love how forefront he was visually in this performance as this seems to be a song that means so much to him

Jimin’s high note in this was so pretty i replayed it several times.

The emotion they put into this song. When they did a close up on any of the members you can see how much they feel the music they sing. That close up of jm looking directly into the camera nearly killed me.

Hobi omg. When they style his hair like that and put him into a suit i just cannot deal.

That final shot with the sun panning behind tae. Wow

Fix You Coldplay cover (!!!)

I will reiterate how mad I am that I got this spoiled for me. While I was never a massive Coldplay fan, I know a lot of their music so having BTS cover one of their songs is very exciting. Had I been able to watch this without knowing they were going to cover this song, I would have been floored (who am i kidding I still was).

This song particularly is so amazing because of the message and emotion it brings. It is the perfect song for BTS to sing to bring comfort to their fans during these times where they cannot perform for them. I was amazed at the arrangement they did (rap line i see you) and the unique emotion BTS brought while performing it.

The standout -- kim freaking seokjin. I love when jin gets to just belt out his powerful voice and he got to do it so much throughout this song. One of the other times I was so floored by his voice like this was in the come back home cover they did in 2018 . And now I can add this performance to times jin blew my mind. And he did all that while sitting so dainty with his legs crossed. Like he isn’t single handedly saving the music industry.

The rap line. Their arrangement was such a perfect way to have them participate but not force them to sing like the vocal line. Their lower registers (especially joon’s omg) sounded so good when harmonized with the vocal lines. The jin x joon and suga x tae harmonies were probably my favorite combination of voices.

Jimin sounded like a literal angel (no surprise). When he and hobi harmonised I ascended.

Hobi’s entire look, again. That suit with his hair styled like that, again. He looked so good. Also is his mic a darker red than usual here?

After hearing how amazing JK’s voice sounds in acoustic songs like this, I am hoping he has something like that on JJK1. I want to hear more of it thank you.

Tae closing the performance with his honey smooth voice. Perfect ending.

Tiny detail but at the very end jk looked over at jm and did a little nod, almost of satisfaction (??). Yes jikook be proud of that entire performance you all just did.

Only negatives -- I wish the lighting wasn’t so harsh, I wanted to see their beautiful faces more. Hobi didn't get to sing solo; we know that boy can sing and I want to hear it. No hobi x jk harmony (from what i could tell); Their two voices together is one of my favorite combinations (go see this performance and the tiny desk concert for examples please).

I also liked that coldplay posted about the cover to support it. Legends hyping legends

Life Goes On

I truly don’t have a lot to say about this performance since we have seen it so much but I am obsessed with the more acoustic version of the song; I love a lot of the chill songs BTS has so the more acoustic the better to me.

Their outfits were beautiful as well. Reminds me of something out of a british spy movie.

Also have I mentioned that I love it when jimin’s hair is pushed back because it is such a good look on him

Dynamite

Immediate thoughts -- jk’s hair. The blonde on top and dark undercut is such a good look on him. It has been said, but jk turned 23 and chose violence. And now he has blue hair? I just got used to the blonde

I do find it funny to watch BTS try and stay in their chairs during this song. It seems so hard for them especially when there is choreo to a song. I almost expected jimin, hobi, or tae to get up and dance a little; these three in particular seemed to have the hardest time staying in their seats.

Like LGO I don’t have a lot of commentary on dynamite. It was an amazing performance, I liked this version of the song, and dynamite is always a bop.

The only thing I can say I was disappointed by was no Dis-ease performance (it wouldn't have fit the vibe anyway but one could have hoped). I’m still holding out hope. I want to hear the bridge in dis-ease performed live so bad.

Closing thoughts -- I was so happy to see this side of BTS again. No elaborate sets (i mean like renting out a freaking airport elaborate; the fact that that is what I am using as a threshold is insane). No choreo. Just them and their music.

(If you made it to the end i’m shocked, thanks for reading my essay)

#bts #my thoughts #kim namjoon #kim seokjin #min yoongi #jung hoseok #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jungkook #jikook #vmin #commentary

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kanmom51 · 4 years ago

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Hi I follow and like your blog and I just wanted to share my point of view since you are open to differen't ones. I used to think Jungkook is shy but after watching his lives and their documentaries, I don't anymore. He's one of the members who often bring up his talent, skills and success. Like in his lives, more than once, he brought up that him mentioning he uses Downy, a certain hair oil and recently the kombucha lemon Tae, has caused these items to outsell. In their documentaries, the 2018 one, he literrally said that he feels bad for members have difficulties doing things he does with ease bcause of his natural born talent (and I mean he is the main vocal and lead dancer) And in a recent one, I think a Japan DVD, when asked what he thought was his quality/specialness, he said that he is talented in multiple things. I think it's great that he recognizes his power and that he isn't affraid to say it. My point is these words said with so much ease without a hint of self consciousness don't indicate shyness. A shy person wouldn't say these things because it draws more attention to themselves becuase he was saying them to millions watching and/or in the presence of staff and crew around him. Another thing that comes to my mind is when some ARMY complained that they didn't like his jogger jeans he used to wear with the Timberland. He went on a fansign, with his whole chest and mic on and told them I know you don't like them and want me to stop wearing them but I like them I will continue wearing them lol. Another instance is when fans kept calling him Oppa when they were older than him and he was very sassy to them and told them he'd start checking IDs! (Look up the fancams please, he was so cute). This again isn't the behaviour of a shy person. Jimin had the same exact situation where a girl told him she was a couple of years older but wants to call him Oppa and his response was that he likes being called Oppa. Also caught on fancam, I'm just lazy to look them up. What so many people interprete as shyness in Jungkook, I see as being jittery and bored and maybe a little anxious because he doesn't like sitting still in interviews or whatever other activity where he has to sit quietly for a relatively long time. Also this is the guy who used to shout his answers in interviews (I like country side and Charley Puth with a little dance!). Again no hint of self-consiousness and just reiterates his answers (If it's Jimin, he keep quiet or dissolves into giggles, hiding his mouth and melting into chairs or floors). He could also be anxious to do other things he is more interested in or get to things that need to be done in their schedule. I will close this essay (lol) by saying that in contrast, Jimin never says or behaves like that and I do think he is shy when it's things that relate to him individually and directly but he puts on a bravado. His shyness becomes significantly less when it is about other people he cares for and his relationships and this might be because of his personality and the past two years, more than onces, he implied that his priorities in life changed from his career to his relationships and his people.

I think the mistake we are making is thinking there is one type of shy, and that’s a wrong way of looking at it.

The dictionary definition of shy is:

“nervous or timid in the company of other people.”

It’s not “insecure” or “lacks self confidence”. And I know we sometimes tend to mix these up, because there are many people that these two come intertwined (me in the past as well), but it’s not always true.

JK has said in the past how he struggled with showing his real self and felt like he had to wear a mask around people. Shouting out how good you are, how talented you are, may be part of that mask. Not saying it is, but that may be part of his ‘act’.

In more recent interviews JK has stated he was dealing with his shyness.

As one anon wrote to me, if a member is telling us something, we should believe them. So if JK tells us he is shy, why not believe him? Same with JM, and I accept that.

This isn’t a competition between the members who is shyer. And it doesn’t have to be a contradiction if both JK & JM are shy on one level or another.

Both have totally different personalities, and their shyness manifests itself in different ways. I get that now.

#Jungkook #Jimin #JM #JK #ask #anon

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peachymess · 3 years ago

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I was gone for a quite some time and you're pro AA now? /gen! No hate but all I remember was your posts about how their interactions aren't about AA but about Armin alone and how he could be affected by Bert. What changed? Also glad you're well now awesome!

Hei, anon! A lot does, indeed, happen, over long periods of time. I wasn't a big fan of AA (though, it was never on the NOTP list, or if it was, it was nowhere near the top). And it's still not my cup of tea to actively ship - I just think it's neat. I've gone from finding it boring and a little forced, to loving that it exists. Sure, in the posts where I expressed my disinterest in the past, I'd sometimes tagg it "anti-ship", but this was so pro-shippers didn't have to see unfavorable opinions of something they liked; not because it was active hate. (And I didn’t even talk about it unless I was asked.)

Anyways, I've gone from feeling like Armin can do better - because Annie as a character didn't particularly impress me - to now being grateful for them finding together because it looks healthy and happy and built on mutual respect. I couldn't think of a better match for him now that we look at everything in retrospect. Because as I've always said: in the end, I want what's best for him, I want what makes him happy.

Now, when you say scenes, I'm assuming you mean scene, because I don't think I've talked exessively about their other scenes, just the crystal one. Because I never thought ALL AA scenes were "about Armin alone". No, of course the scenes are there to build on Annie as well. I might have made the point that the scenes weren't romantic in my eyes, but never "about Armin alone". Now, the crystal scene I DID analyze the scene to be about "Armin BEING alone". Almost wonder if you have me confused with someone because I only spoke about that one scene, only when asked, and I did NOT agree with the Bert theory at ALL. I was asked several times on my thoughts about the scene where Armin talks to Annie's crystal, and I felt strongly that in that scene, what Isayama was showing us, was Armin's isolation. Not budding romance. I won't reiterate that whole analysys, but I feel like the first part still stands. That scene, without the shippy aspect, still stands as one that's there explicitly to tell us several more important (imo) and relevant things.

(And for the record, I have always been vocal about my distatse for the Bertolt theory. If you saw me talk about it, I'm sure it was to explore the different possibilities; "either Armin did X because Y, or because of Z - but in that case, then---". I've always expressed how problematic that theory would be to the characters' agency. I actually big time hate that theory, and I'm almost upset you would think I advocated for it. I HATE hate that theory and always have.)

However, the ship part also turned out to be valid! Not only that, but there was so much AA that I flat out didn't hear about! It's only recently that I was even told about it all! See, I stopped reading the manga years ago, because my nerves couldn't take it. For good chunks of the archs ever since 90, I have only read summaries of. Always kept an eye on it, but yeah. I needed to take a big step back for my health. And oh boy, there was actually a (basically) explicit AA confession scene in there! I felt like a big idiot when I learned that, because some time ago, I was asked if I thought "the confession scene" was actually romantic. Like, did it canonize them. And I thought they meant the scene where Armin talks to the crystal, and that the "explicit confession" was when he said: "I wanted to see you" or whatever it was. And I even ended up "arguing" in the notes with someone that no, it hadn't been a very "clear" romantic confession. They meant it was obvious. ... When in reality, there was an actual confession scene and we were talking past each other. If I could re-do my answer, I'd tell the answer this: YES, that confession scene seemed romantic to me! ...I still don't think AA pre-timeskip + cystal scene is enough to make for a thoroughly built interest. They'd need more content for me to go "ok, Isa has established AA enough now that I buy it if they get to together". So me not believing it at the time of the crystal scene,... well, I stil lstand by that.

Over time, more AA content happened, making for stronger and stornger arguments, so I was won over in the end. Though, my dear anon, here's a kicker for you: I might have been less against it o begin with, if you aren’t just basically fed content ONLY from the ships you like. Because you see what you looking for. And, not being the AA community, I didn't come into contact with a lot of content that would have swayed me. I've always been big on canon. I started loving eremin for its canon bond. ... And for the same reason, I struggle to ship it now, based on later canon. For once in fandom history, a shipping community actually did what we ask them to: stick to their lane. Nobody from the AA community ever "bothered me" by showed me the video of Marina talking about Annie being Armin's obvious girlfriend, from way back when. Nobody told me the english translation of "you're actually a sweet person" or whatever it was, was much softer and sweeter in original. Etc. What I'm saying is there's a lot more AA content than I ever thought. And that has a lot of power to sway. ... Yet, I think what sold it for me, anon, was when Mikasa left Armin to die on the battle field (if that has been Eren, just saying...). His "childhood bestie" left him to choke and die... While, upon being told, Annie, said "I'll get him back" and went for it. That was the moment she started growing on me. It's actually... I'm actually obsessed with that moment. I'm so grateful to Annie, I can't stop obsessing over it. Fucking thank you, Annie. THANK you. I'll never not be upset that Mikasa and Levi left him there, and I'm lowkey shocked that not more people in the fandom had a reaction to that. I don't have as much of a need to discuss the manga online anymore. I have my opinion and I don't feel the need to make others agree. So I hesitate to even pop the lid on this can of worms, but yeah... Honestly, there's a lot of EMA salt there for me and Annie stands as the safe haven and someone who actually, *truly* sees Armin in the wake of the ending... so... I'm very glad he has her.

... So, what can I say. I recently learned Armin was a total gentleman when Annie ate pie, they had a sweet goobye, Armin landing in Annie's palm, the way she looked at him when he stepped up at the end, a CONFESSION, and such leveled normal dialogue, etc. There's more reason to accept AA into my heart now than "a long time ago", anon. I was wrong, AA was endgame and I'm happy about it.

#wonder what YOU think of AA anon #the bert theory seriously has me rabid at the mouth anon lol I’ll lie awake tonight #if I hadn't already talked it up and down I'd be tempted to make a post just about how problematic that theory is for the entire story #no no NO that theory is so bad #call the exorsist #get it out of here

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fmdjaeyeol · 3 years ago

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word counts: 274 + 260 + 276 + 320 + 251 + 261 reward: +5 tracker points

assuming your muse has changed in some way, be it internally or as a result of a change of the external factors around them, how is your muse different? these can be as small as an opinion on a song they hadn’t released previously or as big as a major change in their background.

jaeyeol changed the most out of all my muses admitted. there’s been a couple major switches with them. the biggest one is the change of pronouns that yeol is using (which are they/them/he/him) in addition to the bit of a gender crisis they’re having at the moment. they view of gender was always a bit skewed because of their parents, mostly their dad and all the rather conservative and religious beliefs he has. it took jaeyeol years to accept that they were queer and interesting men/male-presenting people, and still they struggle to admit that out loud even in spaces where they know no one will judge them. honestly i don’t think jaeyeol though much about gender and how they perceived their own gender, and honestly neither did i. it kinda hit me out of nowhere too, so that’s the story that jaeyeol is also getting. for now, they’re still very confused and have no idea what’s going on and the story here is that jaeyeol is testing out new pronouns to get a full idea of how not being perceived as only male makes them feel within space they’re comfortable in and giving everything a good, long Think.

other changes include yeol being a year younger now, it never felt right to have them as a 97 liner tbh so i bumped it down a year and moved the date a couple days back as well. and of course jaeyeol got a faceclaim change. lastly, they are no longer a main vocal, they are now a dance and rap legend ft occasional vocals and honestly i love it for them.

what does your muse think of their company and their group?

in short, jaeyeol likes catalyst overall. the music and lyrics are a bit weird some times but honestly it works for them somehow, and it also fits well with their personal style of dancing, which they’ve been able to bring to the forefront in helping choreograph for songs. the group has allowed them to continue to explore dance styles as they’ve choreographed and tried to figure out things that wouldn’t just work nicely for himself but also all the other members and how they dance. in addition to liking the general concepts and music, they’ve made some friends along the way, which is always nice. in terms of how they feel about gold star, just like every idol probably does, jaeyeol would like to fight them sometimes for the decisions they make or the way they lay out catalyst’s schedule, and their favorite pass time is stressing out their poor manager. though there’s no boiling hatred or anger towards anyone and they’re just vibing. all of this is pretty much the same way jaeyeol felt towards dimensions/unity prior to the restructuring of everything. the only real difference there is that previous jaeyeol was a bit salty they weren’t getting solo schedules and opportunities but that’s different now (maybe because i’m getting better at making claims and establishing what i want to do with my children, maybe not, the world may never know). so yeah, like i said, generally jaeyeol is pleased with catalyst and their success, even if that success isn’t what gold star has initially expected of them.

is your muse on their first contract or their second? if they’ve renewed, what were their feelings around that at the time and what were their hopes for their second contract? if they haven’t renewed, what are their current thoughts on the end of their eventual first contract?

catalyst is still on their first contract, having debuted only in may of 2018. they haven’t been around long enough to move out of their dorms and jaeyeol is still stuck with a roommate and no pet to love on. their first contract renewal isn’t going to be happening until 2025, so both yeol and all the catalyst members have lots of time to think on what they want for their futures. jaeyeol is very appreciative of the fact that it’s still a good few years off because honestly, they have not a clue what their thoughts are on the end of their first contract. it’s weird for them to think that they would have dedicated seven years of their life to catalyst by then, and almost a full decade in total once you factor in the amount of time they spent training prior to debut. the few times that they have thought about this contract ending and them potentially signing onto another seven years spent at gold star has resulted in them going back in forth onw hat they want to do with their lives. on one hand, money is great, but on the other they could potentially have a successful solo career and be doing their own thing. also they’d be thirty-four years old by the time the end of a secret control rolled around to an end and ideally jaeyeol would like to have done the whole settling down, got married, and maybe even had a kid or two by that point. it really isn’t appealing to them to still be bopping around and going woo woo woo woo firetruck at that point.

what are your muse’s goals and motivations?

jaeyeol’s main goals right now are to continue what little bit of a solo career that gold star has let them begin to build. it was just doing some choreography for catalyst but now they’re also being allowed to do modeling projects and expand more outside of the group, which is something that they are firmly enjoying. it’s not that they don’t love catalyst and being a member of the group, but they also like the idea of having an established solo career that is separate from just being an idol so that when catalyst eventually comes to an end sometime in the future, they have something to fall back on and rely on. i guess this is also their motivation in many ways. stability is something that they never really had growing up, which is odd considering that their family was well off in many different ways, but still, they want something more for themselves than the environment they grew up in, which was rather unpleasant. their current goals in relation to that is just continuing to grow and try more things, eventually they want to go on and start choreographing outside of the group and for other groups and maybe even solo songs if the opportunity arrives. in addition to their motivations i mentioned earlier, jaeyeol also just wants to like have something to take pride in and prove to people in their life that were trying to steer them in an entirely different direction where they didn’t want to go, that their happiness was most important and that they could be successful and respected even if they hadn’t gone on to be working a standard desk job or become a doctor or lawyer. they just want to be more than what they thought they could be while growing up and maybe one day be confident enough to speak out more and motivate others to do the same.

what is one conflict, internal or external, that your muse is currently dealing with, has recently dealt with, or will need to deal with in the future?

i touched on this fairly extensively in the first question honestly and explained the one real large ordeal that they are internally dealing with at the moment, and to reiterate, that is their gender and their gender expression. the idea of being anything other than male had never crossed jaeyeol’s mind, let alone potentially questioning their gender to a point of going outside the standard binaries. on top of doing that all in a country where something like that isn’t a widely accepted or supported thing. they thought the only struggle they were going to have like this was their sexual orientation but at least, they were proven wrong. the conflict was brought upon because of me actually and suddenly i realized that i was naturally using gender neutral pronouns to refer to jaeyeol and took it as a sign that my brain was trying to tell me something. so here we are. the idea of jaeyeol questioning their own gender crosssed my mind briefly when i first conjured the image of the muse in my head but it was never any substantial thought, but apparently i had the thought for good reason. and like i also said earlier, they’re testing out the whole option of being non-binary and being perceived as such with those closest to them, including their partner and friends as of right now. though they have no idea where they would be on that spectrum, in terms of whether they feel like they are agender, genderfluid, etc.

if your muse has established career claims, what are their thoughts on their career so far? if they do not, how do they feel about not having individual activities yet? what would they like to do in the future, if anything? if they don’t have ambitions for individual activities, explain why.

jaeyeol is living their absolute best life in their career right now if they were to be straight up asked, even though it isn’t much of a solo career outside of their group in the way that people would probably think about having a solo career like having solo music (which is something they aren’t super interested in honestly). the only things that they really have done on their own is some solo magazine covers because gold star media finally came to their sense and realized that they have that absolute beauty that is jaeyeol jeon and are putting those looks to great use other than being (arguably) catalyst’s center or one of the unofficial center’s of the group. so far there’s only been two but they look forward to doing many, many more in the future when the calls come in asking for them. the other part of their established career claims come from partial choreography claims on a few of catalyst’s tracks, including: firetruck, cherry bomb, simon says, and kick it. the list is short but in my brain they’ve been doing their own dance choreographies to songs on instagram/ social medias as well, those are just some of the real official things they have their name attached to at the moment. both of those paths are ones that they would like to continue on with and hope they get to for a long time. the next step they would like to take is choreographing for other groups or people so they can keep expanding their talents and abilities.

#famedrstask1 #the limitless me | paras.#graphic design is my passion clearly

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pinnithin-writes · 4 years ago

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Good Jokes

Chapter 9

The next day brought sharks and gunfire, squids and murder. Dr. Coomer, with newfound vigor from the previous night’s rest, was racking up a pretty impressive kill count, growing in power as more of his clones were eliminated. Tommy drifted away in his head most of the morning, dwelling on his father’s words and the guilt that came with them.

He kept an eye on Benrey, as always, but there was little need to. The entity had chosen to cooperate for the most part, aside from pestering Gordon every step of the way. Gordon had learned to just go along with Benrey’s gags, giving him space to blow off some steam until he got bored. It was a surprisingly effective method of dealing with the guy, and Tommy once again found himself struck by not only Gordon’s strength and tenacity, but his remarkable resourcefulness. Maybe that doctorate from MIT really was worth something.

Controlling the entity (as far as the entity would allow himself to be controlled) was pretty much the only win they had that day. The rest of their journey had them swimming through drowned, claustrophobic tunnels, avoiding the jaws of the creatures that slithered within. Tommy wasn’t a fan, but Gordon outright hated it, coughing and spluttering every time they surfaced, waterlogged and exhausted.

The adrenaline in Gordon’s blood was pretty much the only thing keeping him moving, yet he fought on, intent on making his way to the Lambda Lab. Right. The Lambda Lab. Find the lab, close the rift, and then they could all go home.

Tommy very, very badly wanted to go home.

When Gordon nearly had a panic attack after mistaking a soda can for a grenade, Tommy finally pried himself out of his mental fog. Knock it off, dude. Now wasn’t the time to zone out and brood. People could die, and one of them in particular did not have the ability to regenerate himself if that happened.

Bubby and Benrey had begun whispering among themselves, which was a cause for concern. Tommy listened in when he could and caught mostly insults - something he was inclined to dismiss - but the way Benrey’s eyes glinted when Tommy looked his way didn’t quite sit right.

“Can’t friends talk?” Bubby had asked hotly.

That was it. Benrey didn’t have friends. Tommy let his gaze slide away, swallowing his words but keeping his suspicions close.

After rendering a perfectly good server room completely useless, they came upon one of Dr. Coomer’s clones, who had posted himself up outside a heavy lead door. He actually recognized Gordon, which was unexpected. You’re the guy in the HEV suit, he told them. We’ve been tracking your progress, he told them.

Dr. Coomer scratched his chin and swept the group with a troubled look. “Gordon, that means you’ve been leading the military to us this whole time,” he concluded.

“What? But - I mean I can’t even take it off.” Gordon gave himself an up-and-down gesture.

“Oh,” Benrey noted flatly. “Maybe you need to die.”

“What?” Gordon demanded. “I don’t need to die.”

Benrey responded by nonchalantly raising his firearm. He pulled the trigger and contents of the clone’s skull splattered against the wall. Gordon took a step back, nauseated.

“I was gonna ask him a very valuable question,” he uttered, averting his gaze.

“I’ve absorbed his power, Gordon,” Coomer brightly informed him. “Ask me.”

Tommy was staring hard at Benrey as Gordon went back and forth with Dr. Coomer about the possibility of ditching the suit. The entity’s pupils were haloed with reflected light as he returned his gaze, baring his razor smile in a challenge. Tommy didn’t say anything, his eyes wandering instead to the peculiarly shaped door. Something radiated from the back of his skull as he studied it, as if the heavy barricade itself were a warning.

“This door is ominous,” he murmured.

When the science team all cast him curious looks, he realized he had spoken his thoughts aloud. “It’s shaped like a B,’ he elaborated. “What could that mean? ‘Buh’ door?” That was a silly thing to say, he thought in retrospect, but it was what came out of his mouth.

Gordon gave him a mystified smile. “‘Buh’ door?” he repeated.

“No, I think those are glasses,” Benrey said.

Gordon shook his head, passing a glance between them. “What are any of you saying?”

Tommy raised his eyebrows at Gordon, smiling despite his unease. “Buh,” he reiterated, just to make him wheeze with laughter.

Benrey and Bubby began repeating the sound, too, and Tommy wasn’t sure if they were having fun or mocking him. At this point, both options were plausible.

Gordon was still grinning. His teeth were so even; he had definitely been a braces kid. “Working on your phonics, Tommy?”

Sure. Yeah. That was it. Most people didn’t look at a B-shaped entryway and immediately feel a crawling beneath their skin. Well, except for some very particular interior designers, perhaps. He held Gordon’s gaze and didn’t respond.

Dr. Coomer, restless, was already heading through the door. “The B stands for ‘bye!’” he called cheerfully.

The room that followed was freezing, the floors slick with ice. The creatures within were a low threat, slipping and sliding around as they were on the frozen surface, but that meant the team of scientists was equally ineffective at shooting them.

“Whoah, guys, it’s icy!” Gordon called, flinging his arms out for balance.

“It’s cold as hell in here.” Bubby observed with exasperation. He fired at an alien, corrected his aim, and fired again.

Tommy made a deal with the laws of physics for a brief time, allowing him to traverse the frozen room with relative stability. Benrey was more brazen and simply sauntered on through as if the ice wasn’t even there, paying the creatures no mind as he went. Weirdly enough, they seemed to be ignoring him back. Before Tommy could think on that much longer, Gordon’s excited voice drew his attention.

“You guys like ice skating?” he asked, eyes alight as he slid across the room. “I was never one for it. I don’t got really good balance.”

Laughing with delight, breath fogging in the chilly air, Gordon whirled with his arms above his head in a wobbly pirouette. Tommy watched him, unable to keep the smile off his face as he did. The fact that Gordon was still finding joy after almost three days in this hellscape nearly made the ice melt beneath Tommy’s feet.

Bubby’s irritated voice came from around a pillar. “Gordon, now is not the time for jokes.”

With some effort, Gordon stopped spinning. “Bro, lemme have a little fun,” he shot back. “It’s serious, but like-”

“My life is in danger!”

“So is mine!” Gordon insisted. “But like, when you guys have fun, when you’re fucking with me-”

“Your technique is sloppy, Gordon,” Dr. Coomer chimed in, sliding into the vicinity with a flourish. “Perhaps we should practice once we get out of the Black Mesa facility.”

Gordon’s smile returned in earnest. “Oh?” he asked. “Show me your form.”

The old man spread his arms wide, as if gearing up for a complicated maneuver, and then collapsed dramatically onto the icy floor. Tommy bit down on his knuckles to hide his laughter while Gordon waved him off, chuckling.

The three of them caught up to Benrey and Bubby, Gordon keeping up his skating routine as he went. Tommy trailed after him, gunning down encroaching extraterrestrials so the guy could have his fun. At one point, Gordon spun and stretched out a hand to Tommy, bowed at the waist, mouth quirking in wordless invitation.

Tommy paused, staring at his open palm, wishing more than anything that he could take it. Just forget about the creatures and the soldiers and the rift in space for one fucking second and let himself get swept away by this charming gentleman in front of him. He felt his throat tighten. He positively ached for it.

Declining with a polite smile, he shook his head. Perhaps once this nightmare was over, when they were no longer concerned about staying alive. Something to look forward to, something to make horrors they fought through worth it. Tommy owed him a dance. For now, however, he offered Gordon something he could always give.

“B stands for ‘below freezing,’” he quipped.

Gordon laughed, warm and genuine, and withdrew his hand. “Oh, now I get it.”

---

The price they paid for seeing the sky again was an onslaught of new adversaries. They were fast . Bubby scouted up ahead and immediately scampered back to the group, a wild look on his face as he murmured, “Oh my god.”

Gordon was peering around a crate, eyes narrowed. “Did you see that?” he asked. “Was that a woman?”

Tommy’s eyes could barely track their movements, agile as they were. They didn’t really look like anything to him, much less women, and he was about to turn his head to say so when Coomer charged ahead of them with fervor.

“Look out, Gordon!” the scientist exclaimed.“Hotted boobs up ahead! Tits, big ones!”

Gordon’s subsequent shriek of laughter was so forceful he almost misfired his weapon. Beside him, Tommy could hardly keep it together enough to provide cover fire. When Gordon sprinted after him, calling a hesitant, “Dr. Coomer, I don’t think that was very respectful,” he lost it all over again.

Bubby and Dr. Coomer took out the majority of the nimble creatures, while Gordon mostly missed his shots and Benrey slouched indifferently through the crossfire. After checking themselves over for injury (and a moment of questionable target practice on some moths), they found the surface access switch and kept moving.

Tommy felt that dark prickle near the base of his skull again as he habitually brought up the rear. They were going the right way, right?

“I’m a little nervous,” Gordon said, vocalizing Tommy’s unease. “What about the airstrikes?”

Oh, right, that was a good point, too. The threat of heavy military artillery sometimes slipped Tommy’s mind. Perhaps they could find another route to the lab.

“What’s there to be nervous about?” Bubby asked, striding ahead with confidence. “We’re going home.”

Benrey idled in the back next to Tommy, fingers laced behind his head like he was lounging in a hammock. “Look at all - all that room,” he said, shooting Tommy a sly look. “We’re going on a mystery walk.”

Nothing about that sounded good to Tommy, and he was suddenly on edge. He gave Benrey a piercing stare, but the entity only showed him his shark teeth and meandered after the party. Tommy followed, pulse on the upswing.

“Gordon, if you play it carefully, this will cut down our travel to the Lambda Lab by about three hours,” Dr. Coomer declared.

“Down to thirteen minutes!” Bubby added.

“Oh,” Gordon remarked, taken aback by such fortuitous news. “That’s the whole duration. That’s the entire thing.”

“Yes!” Bubby went on excitedly. He pointed to a room down the hall. “And look, there’s even a medical station in there.”

Gordon considered. He had taken a few hits in the last fight. Nothing life threatening - Tommy had made sure of that - but it was likely still painful. “A med station… I could probably-”

“Medical stations can be used to recover from wounds, Gordon,” Coomer interrupted helpfully.

Benrey was apostrophe shaped as he lounged against the doorway. “Wow,” he murmured, tossing a look inside the adjacent room. “They got TV and Blu-ray… high definition…”

Gordon waved him off in disregard. “We don’t need that. I’m-

“They got a couch,” Benrey added, as if this would sweeten the deal.

“I’m not interested.”

“I heard Blu-ray is better than DVD,” Tommy couldn’t help commenting dryly.

He didn’t like this. This was weird. Well, on par for Benrey, but Bubby’s firm insistence that Gordon enter the room before he did was setting off alarm bells in his head. His fingers tightened around the grip of his handgun.

Gordon was still bickering with the two of them, hampered by the semantics of laser disc technology. Tommy quietly moved closer, darting his eyes around the area for anything indicative of danger. He caught the gaze of Dr. Coomer, who was just standing there patiently with an idle hand on his crossbow. He looked unbothered as the argument escalated.

Benrey’s eyes were beginning to flash in a wordless threat. He leered at Gordon, revealing his pointed teeth. “You wanna go in?” He was no longer asking. “Please?”

Gordon, who had learned by now to pick his battles with the entity, relented. “Alright,” he sighed. “Okay. I guess… I’m gonna go for it.”

Something was wrong. Something was wrong. Something was wrong, wrong, wrong. Panic shuddered like a javelin down Tommy’s spine, and as he reached out a hand to pull Gordon back, the lights cut out. Some outside force locked onto Tommy, pinning him to his position in space like an insect on a corkboard.

Gordon faltered. “Okay, uh, who’s fucking with me?”

“What the hell?” Bubby asked, voice lined with a facetious edge. “What is happening?”

Benrey, on the other hand, sounded like he was having the time of his life. “Ohhh, it’s dark in here,” he groaned, barely attempting to hide his glee.

Tommy, nerves alive, fought against whatever had nailed him to the spot. This didn’t happen. Tommy didn’t just get stuck, and there was a very short list of beings who could make him do so against his will. He cast his gaze around frantically for any clue of what was happening, but it was so dark he may as well have been blindfolded.

Gordon was irritated now. “Who the fuck knocked out the lights?”

Dr. Coomer’s response was as neutral as it was useless. “Hello, Go- Has anyone seen Mr. Freeman?”

Heavy footsteps came barreling at them, accompanied by Bubby’s cry of, “there he is - get him!”

There was the sound of impact. The rush of air being forced from a pair of lungs. Then… Tommy didn’t remember much of what happened next.

Shouting. There was plenty of that. Tommy thought maybe he yelled something, but he couldn’t be sure. All he could register fully were the sounds of Gordon crying out in pain and the feeling of his own doomed grief as his muscles failed to work.

And help. Help. Gordon was pleading for help, and Tommy thought his heart would stop if he had to listen to it anymore.

The blade cleaving through bone was the loudest sound in the world.

Gordon fell horrifically silent. The scent of blood saturated the air like a stain. Tommy’s stomach bottomed out as he heard the soft slide of a body being dragged away.

“Now, gentlemen,” Dr. Coomer’s voice echoed off the darkened walls, “let’s get out of here before they peel us apart.”

Footsteps dispersed as the team made itself scarce. Whatever had been holding Tommy in place finally released him, and he dropped numbly to the floor, trembling in the dreadful aftershock. His hands slicked through blood and he almost threw up. The truth, heavy and unrepentant, settled in on his shoulders.

He was alone.

Alone.

Chapter 8 <-----> Chapter 10

#ink #fanfiction #good jokes #part of my endeavor to relocate all my ao3 work #violence #guns #blood #gore #amputation #hlvrai

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beerecordings · 5 years ago

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How do we recognize ableist content like that? I've never been in situations like that, so something that look pretty harmless to me could be in fact quite shitty. I don't want to share stuff like that and be unaware of it, how do I learn?

well thank you for asking!!! but the first thing I’d like to do is make it clear that while I do trust myself to recognize many common ableist errors/choices, I do not pretend to be an authority on this issue any more than anyone else who’s done some research, talked with other people, and worked to recognize things. I need help sometimes too! Also I’d like to reiterate that I am able-bodied and people with disabilities are free to correct me.

The second thing to notice is that SOMETIMES these things are context-dependent. For instance, while I usually gag to see Jameson made into like the son of somebody the same age as him, if you’re actually writing an au where Jameson and maybe another character or two are actually children to another character, that can be pretty cute!!! In that case an adult is not being infantilized and he is not made into a child because of his disability - he’s being made into a child because he’s a literal four-year-old and that’s the premise of the story (and he still can’t talk). Alternatively, maybe Jameson needs extra attention and love and protection from older brothers after a traumatic event - but at some point, that Jameson should begin to regain his independence, should still experience a wide range of emotions, and should not be condescended to about his emotions or ability to function alone. However, please be careful with this… don’t use context to make excuses if you’re actually pulling ableist shit.

I think that list I gave in the post I made is a good (but not comprehensive!) starting point for some of the things to look for that are offensive to people with disabilities (some of these are specific to mutism). Let’s take another deeper look at these points:

Before reblogging something with Jameson in it, for instance, ask yourself - does this infantilize the character?

Is Jameson unable to function alone in society beyond the reasonable limitations we would expect of a person with a disability? Is Jameson babied to a ridiculous degree by the other egos? Does Jameson only experience basic emotions? Does Jameson ever stand up for himself or display “unpleasant” and unromanticized emotions such as anger, desire to isolate, desire for violence, ugly grief and sorrow, etc? Disabled adults are still ADULTS. Don’t treat them like little kids!!! If you want to portray Jameson’s trauma reactions - and you should!! he’s been through a lot!! - make sure this is more complex than just reducing him to a sweet needy baby who needs a hand to hold twenty-four seven. He should have ugly reactions too and be more complex than sad sometimes because he’s disabled and needs more attention. Otherwise you are infantilizing his mutism and romanticizing his trauma.

Does this erase Jameson’s disability completely or partially?

I have had people tell me it’s okay to erase Jameson’s disability because “they just wanted him to have a cute British accent.” I have had people to tell me to “chill out” because it “isn’t a big deal” that people erase his disability. I’ve heard people say “I couldn’t really get into Jameson for some reason, he just wasn’t my favorite character - so I decided to make him my own and give him new powers and let him talk and now I like him a lot!”

FUCK OFF M8

DON’T WRITE HIM IF YOU AREN’T WILLING TO INCORPORATE HIS DISABILITY AND YOU HATE DISABLED CHARACTERS. WHY ARE SOME OF U LIKE THIS. HOW DARE YOU qUITE FRANKLY

DO NOT SUPPORT CONTENT WITH A SPEAKING JAMESON UNLESS ANTI IS ABOUT TO SHOW UP AND CUT THAT BOY’S THROAT OR MAYBE IT’S AN AU WHERE SOMEBODY ELSE HAS THE DISABILITY BUT I’M NOT A HUNDRED PERCENT SURE ABOUT THAT ONE -

When you erase Jameson’s disability, you are telling every disabled person who might come across your writing that there is something wrong with being disabled and that they need to be fixed, as well as warping your own perception of the disabled people you will meet in your life. Do not use magic spells to erase Jameson’s inability to vocalize. Do not just decide you prefer a vocalizing Jamie.

Is this a respectful and accurate representation of a character who cannot vocalize?

If you are not disabled, you probably should not write pieces deeply exploring his relationship with his disability, because you just can’t do it right. I’m tired of seeing people write like ten thousand words of whump about how sad Jamie is about being disabled and how he longs desperately to just be normal like everyone else!! If only he didn’t have to sign!!! And he never seems to make any progress at accepting himself, he never seems to have any righteous anger at the people who treat him like shit, he always seems to let himself be comforted by other people telling him how to perceive himself instead of coming to terms with it with the help of both others and his own internal development. Incorporate his disability, and yes, it’s okay if it upsets him that other people react poorly to his inability to vocalize sometimes, but avoid stories which focus on him dealing with his disability exclusively if you are not disabled. If his disability is the only thing that ever makes him sad or makes him experience a negative emotion, you have fucked up again and you are using his disability for whump points like an asshole instead of seeing him holistically. I get upset sometimes because I see people will get prompts about JJ and it will be like… “job interview!” so they write one where Jameson gets turned down for a job because of a disability or it will be like “mourn!” and it’s about how he mourns his lost voice and “spell!” is about Marvin trying to fix him and just….. I guess it’s okay to write that stuff every now and then, but it’s a BIG RED FLAG if someone takes every single prompt or thought about JJ and makes it about him being sad about his disability.

Is this a respectful and accurate representation of sign language?

Please be aware that Jameson speaks BSL, not ASL! I think most people mess that one up just because they don’t know, not because they’re ableist, so it’s great to spread awareness! If you are writing something about Jamie, though, you really should know. You should also try to learn a little about the way people sign and just do some research! Also, when writing Jameson, be aware of the signing. If he is in another room than Jackie, then remember that Jackie can’t “hear” him. You just forgot he couldn’t talk! Double-check your work or ask someone to beta and this one is avoided easily. Be open to someone pointing out “actually, Jameson couldn’t do that, he was downstairs!” and work to accommodate him.

If I were unable to vocalize, would I be offended by this representation?

Many of us have disabilities of our own. Think about the things that bother you and how they apply to mutism or even other disabilities like Chase’s depression. One thing that always helps me (though I am not in a wheelchair!) is comparing this to people in wheelchairs. Would it be okay for me to write a fic where a person had their legs magically fixed after a lifetime of not being able to walk and then everybody liked them better and they finally found purpose? Would it be okay for me to write ten snippets in a row about how sad they are they can’t walk? Would it be okay for me to just decide they can walk now because I’m annoyed when I have to write in their wheelchair? Is it okay for me to say that they can’t wheel themselves around or that they use magic to move at all times and would not be able to move at all if someone were not pushing them or they lost their magic? Is it okay for everyone to treat the person like a helpless baby because they can’t walk? Honestly, I think we know more than we think if we take a moment to critically examine. Trust your gut.

Does this contain common problems in portrayal of characters with disabilities/mutism such as derision or lamentation towards sign language, making the character defined entirely by their disability (always a cheerful character except when reminded of their disability, for example), having other characters explain things about their disability to them, or treating the character as childish, needy, and unable to function in society because of their disability?

Pretty self-explanatory, but well worth repeating.

Do not show derision towards sign language (though a villain might, if it was clear that they are the villain and doing something wrong!). We have already discussed the complexities of lamentation and I suggest that you avoid that as well, especially if you are going to make his character flat. If you are not disabled, you really can’t portray it well, and it’s ableist to focus so much on the disability that you do not give the character any other complexity. Do not make the disability the “tragic backstory” of the character’s life. Complexity is important because it means you are seeing the person as more than their disability! You should know things about the character other than “they are happy and sweet and sugary and never get angry or make mistakes!! except sometimes… they are sad because they can’t talk uwuw poor baby” you look that shit in the eyes and you tell it to fuck off, you hear me? It’s great to have a sweet, nice, sugary baby brother Jameson as long as he is more complex than that, with real independence and abilities of his own and complex emotions and character! His disability should not be his one weak spot or his tragic backstory or some shit!

ALSO DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT REFER TO JAMESON AS “THE MUTE.”

like dude even “the mute man” is pretty fucking shifty because why do you feel the need to define him by that??? but definitely not “the mute moved down the hallway” i will block you on sight and you will deserve it that is SO offensive would you call a person who can’t walk “the cripple???”

Don’t have a speaking character explain things about disabilities to characters with disabilities. Speaking characters should not be condescending towards the character about much of anything, really, or else you’re infantilizing - if you need someone to explain things, obviously that’s okay, but do it in a way that recognizes that this is a mature and independent adult.

The character with a disability should be able to function in society past the limitations that are to be expected. No, Jameson isn’t going to magically start talking, but if he wants to go on a walk alone, he can. Let him do things like writing or texting. Don’t be afraid to give him a cool job and awesome hobbies. Let him have independence. If you can’t imagine JJ living on his own because he can’t speak, you’re doing it wrong. Look for signs that Jameson is capable of things other than making tea and kissing his brothers good night.

It’s okay to have a Jameson with a slightly childish personality, and I love it when he’s a sweet boy! But there should be more to him than that. I’m just going to say it - you know when Jameson is being treated like a baby. You know the difference between infantilization and a nice friendly man with sweet cute hobbies and interests. You can see it. Trust yourself. Don’t buy it when you see it and if you’re writing him, make sure there is complexity instead of just sugar-sweet with a sugar-sweet filling. He’s an adult. Remember that and remember that it’s harmful to pretend otherwise.

Geez, that was a rant and a half. Again, I am not the perfect authority. But there are some tips.

Does that help at all?

Feel free to add on to that if you have seen specific things in the fandom that I might not have seen or you have a disability and have experience with being discriminated against.

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mikauzoran · 4 years ago

Text

Ladrien: Drunk Ladybug on My Balcony? Yeah. This is Fine.: Chapter Eleven

Read it on AO3: Drunk Ladybug on My Balcony? Yeah. This is Fine.: Chapter Eleven: Honest Conversations

“Wow,” Adrien breathed as he looked down at Paris stretching out before him from the top of the Sacré-Coeur Basilica.

While it was true that the Eiffel Tower was taller, from the top of that monument, the city seemed to spread out on all sides in an endless web. From the roof of the church on top of the hill, Paris spilled forth like a waterfall or the train of a wedding gown, perfect and beautiful like a carpet of blue and white flowers.

“It’s gorgeous up here.” He suddenly realized that he’d never seen this view before. Not really. Not like this.

He’d been to Montmartre for akuma attacks in the past, but he’d only been there for the fight, and he’d had to hurry back to whatever photoshoot or class or other obligation he’d left behind.

He’d never stopped to really see what his city looked like from this vantage point, so staring at it now with his Lady still with her arm partially around him, not having yet stepped back after setting him down… It took his breath away.

“Yeah,” she whispered reverently, savoring the moment.

They stood there together for a long stretch, transfixed, until it occurred to Ladybug that she still had her arm wrapped around his waist despite the fact that there was no longer any need.

She cleared her throat and smiled bashfully as she slipped away. “You…um…you have a beautiful singing voice.”

He returned the smile, rubbing at the back of his neck, embarrassed and pleased at her praise. “You think so? Thank you. I’ve been singing for a long time. Since I was a child,” he added for context. “My mother was a stage actor. She did musicals often, and, for a few years, she got it into her head that she wanted to be an opera singer. She got a vocal coach,” he chuckled fondly at the memory. “I used to hide in the music room and spy on her lessons. Then, I’d sing along with her when she practiced. I grew up singing Bellini and Rossini and Puccini.”

Suddenly, he realized he was monopolizing the conversation and immediately sought to rectify the situation. “Sorry. I’m rambling. I like singing. I’m glad you think I’m good at it. You have a really pretty voice too.”

She blushed, waving away his compliment as she went to retrieve the wicker picnic basket from where she had stowed it earlier at the seam where the slightly slanted roof met the base of the tower supporting one of Sacré-Coeur’s iconic, turnip-like domes.

“I’m just glad I didn’t make your ears bleed,” she snickered self-deprecatingly. “Like I said, I’m not a good solo singer.”

“I don’t know,” he hummed skeptically. “I like your voice, Nelle. Will you at least agree that we make beautiful music together?”

She had to try not to laugh as he waggled his eyebrows at her. “Okay,” she relented. “Yes. The duet was actually really nice. I liked that.”

“We’ll have to do it again sometime?” he replied hopefully, but it sounded more like a question, as if he were unsure whether lightning would strike the same place twice and he’d get another date with her.

She had gone into this with the intention of this being a one-time thing, but…he was looking at her so hopefully, and she couldn’t bear to break his heart.

“Of course,” she promised, setting down the picnic basket and spreading out the blanket. “One way or another, we’ll get together and sing more Disney songs. This was fun,” she assured, not certain if that would be with Ladybug, but she would definitely follow up with him as Marinette, if not.

“Oh, good,” he chuckled giddily in relief, rushing to help her smooth out the blanket. “I think I tried to warn you that I was a dork, but I’m not sure you truly got the full picture. I was a little afraid I’d scared you off.”

“Not at all!” she insisted, taking a seat and beginning to unpack all of the goodies she’d packaged up in Tom and Sabine’s takeaway boxes earlier that afternoon. “I’m having fun with you.”

“Good,” he reiterated, the dread and worry beginning to fade.

“And I liked hearing about your mom before,” she added, stopping to look up and meet his gaze. “Seriously. You weren’t rambling. I…I want to get to know you better, Adrien, so…I’m happy when you share things like that with me.”

The sincerity of her smile nearly made him forget how to breath.

“Oh.” A grin slowly spread across his lips, making his face shine in joy. “Thanks. I’m really glad.”

“You’re very welcome,” she assured, blushing down at the pastry boxes. She got out the tiered serving tray and started to open up the boxes and arrange the miniature blackcurrant scones, golden raisin scones, strawberry jam, and clotted cream on the bottom tier.

“Wow,” Adrien breathed in wonder, eyes widening as Ladybug unpacked an assortment of mini tarts, trifles, petit fours, and macarons for the top tier. “This spread is amazing, and I can tell you have good taste. Tom and Sabine are the best in the business.”

“Well, Marinette actually made all this,” she confessed, taking out a variety of finger sandwiches (egg salad, tuna salad, smoked salmon, and cucumber) and placing them carefully on the second tier of the tray. “But she learned from the best, so the quality should still be passable.”

Adrien’s eyes went even wider. “Marinette made all this?”

Ladybug’s blush flared up as she nodded. “Yep. I actually know her, so…”

“Wow,” Adrien reiterated, taking in the array of items with renewed appreciation. “She’s so unbelievably talented!”

He was going to give her a heart attack if he started gushing about her civilian self again.

“Look at how neatly she’s cut off the crusts! And the way she’s placed the berries on this tart just so…” He shook his head, blown away by Marinette’s many skills. “She’s just so incredible. I can’t believe she does so many things so well, you know? She’s amazing at everything she sets her mind to.”

Then he looked at her with the most earnest smile, and she was a goner.

“She’s…something all right,” she laughed nervously, trying to remember how to breathe through her nose.

Adrien frowned, picking up on her unease. “I’m really sorry. It’s kind of weird that I’m talking about another girl on our date, isn’t it?”

“No, no!” she rushed to assure him, waving her hands in a flurry and almost knocking over the tiered tray. “It’s okay. No worries. I mean, I’m the one who brought her up. I’m sure she’d be really happy to know you thought so highly of her.”

“I hope so,” he chuckled, reaching up to rub at the back of his neck. “We’re pretty close, since we’ve been friends for years, but I’m a little socially awkward, so I worry sometimes that I’m a little too effusive. I’m sure it’s kind of annoying to listen to me rant about her all the time.”

“I would never get tired of you ranting like that about me,” Ladybug insisted, sounding almost breathless.

He blinked and then grinned. “Oh. Good. Duly noted…. Because you’re sort of phenomenal. Like, has anyone ever told you that you’re radiant when you’re solving one of your Lucky Charms? And your laugh is endearing.”

“Oh,” she responded in a daze, unprepared to find herself in his crosshairs.

“Your smile? Killer,” he praised. “And that’s just you physically. Don’t get me started on how noble and brave and clever and funny you are.”

“I’ll be sure not to because I think I’d overheat and pass out if you did,” she laughed, only partially kidding.

“Well, we wouldn’t want that,” he snickered impishly. “I’ll be sure to save some compliments for later, then. Sound good?”

She nodded, turning back to the food. “So…afternoon tea.” She carefully got out the plates, saucers, and cups, making sure they sat still on the inclined roof before retrieving the thermos of mint tea from the wicker picnic basket. “Marinette happened to mention that you’re something of a pescatarian, so I hope the sandwich varieties are to your liking.”

He gave a bit of a start. “You and Marinette talked about me?”

“Just a little,” she rushed to assure, hands going up in defence. “Nothing, like, too weird or anything. Nothing especially personal. I didn’t pump your friends for information about you or anything, but when I was placing the order with Marinette, I just happened to ask her if she knew if you had any preferences, so…”

“No, it’s okay,” he assured. “You were being thoughtful, and I really appreciate that.”

He attempted to fight the sinking feeling caused by Marinette knowing that he was on a date with Ladybug. She certainly wasn’t going to be inviting him out for a coffee date now, and that realization disappointed him. He felt like he was missing out…even thought that was ridiculous because he’d been dreaming of a date with Ladybug for years, and, now, here he was literally living a long-standing dream, but…

“I actually do eat meat,” he informed her with a smile, forcing himself to get out of his own thoughts and back into the present moment where he was having a lovely rooftop picnic with Ladybug. “If it’s set in front of me, anyway. I don’t particularly like it, and I wouldn’t choose it of my own volition if there were other things to pick, but…thank you. I really do appreciate you being so thoughtful. It was really nice of Marinette to come up with so many different pescatarian-friendly options.”

“She knows you don’t really get to make decisions a lot, so she wanted you to have a selection,” Ladybug replied, not sure why she was putting in a good word for her apparent “love rival”.

“Aww,” Adrien cooed. “That was so sweet of her. I don’t know what I did to deserve such wonderful, caring women in my life.”

“You’re pretty wonderful yourself,” she added bashfully, making him blush as a pleased smile slowly spread across his lips.

“Thank you for thinking so,” he hummed happily, drinking in the perfection of the moment.

“Of course.” She returned his grin.

“…So.” He cleared his throat. “What kind of tea are we drinking?”

“Mint,” she replied and then watched his face closely for a reaction, trying not to appear to be doing so. “I know it doesn’t exactly go with the rest of the menu items, but Marinette mentioned that it was a favourite of yours, so…”

“Yeah,” he breathed, trying to keep in the broad, beaming smile that was trying to rip his face in half with its force and radiance. “It’s… My mom used to make mint tea for us when we had a bad day. It’s a comfort food for me.”

“Ooooh,” Ladybug sang over three pitches, eyes widening as she pretended that this was news to her. “Well, that makes sense why Marinette suggested it, then.” Cautiously, she poured them each a cup.

“Marinette is a pretty good wingman,” Adrien observed, appreciating how well his friend knew him.

“She’s doing pretty well so far,” Ladybug chuckled, handing him one of the small dessert plates. “Go ahead and dig in. Don’t hold back on my account.”

“If you insist,” he replied politely, needing no further urging as he took a cucumber sandwich and a blackcurrant scone to start with.

Ladybug helped herself to one of the petit fours, a raspberry and custard mini tart, and one of the golden raisin scones. “So…do you mind me asking why you’re not such a big fan of meat? Is it the texture?” she inquired.

Marinette already knew the story, but she knew it was a good way to get Adrien talking.

“My mom was kind of one of those crazy vegetarians,” Adrien chuckled sheepishly, a fond expression settling onto his face. “Not that there’s anything wrong with being passionate about animal rights or anything. It is important, but my mom was a little extreme,” he explained, lest Ladybug think ill of him. “Like, she’d always try to get my father to stop eating meat by making tortured mooing sounds while he ate steak or by describing in gross detail all the bad things that the people raising the animals did to them and how they slaughtered them.”

Ladybug winced even though she’d heard the story before because she knew how Émilie had inadvertently traumatized Adrien as a child. “I bet that made for…um…an unpleasant dining experience.”

Adrien shrugged, looking down at his plate. “My father thought it was amusing, actually. He made a big show of enjoying his meal because he knew it drove her nuts.” Adrien’s fond smile shifted into a bit of a grimace. “I was kind of freaked out, though. For the longest time, I thought that the animals could still feel pain after they were dead, so I always used to cry when I was served meat.”

Until his father had severely punished him and let him know that that was not acceptable behavior, Adrien had confessed to Marinette several years before.

Adrien reinforced his grin and chuckled lighthearted, trying to keep up a jovial mood. “I got over that phase, but since I had such negative associations with meat as a child, I never really developed a taste for it. I’ll eat it if it’s put in front of me, but I’d rather eat other things.”

“But you eat fish and seafood?” she asked in seemingly earnest interest as she nibbled on her petit four. She always loved his next line.

“Well, yeah,” Adrien chuckled genuinely this time. “Shrimp and lobster and clams and snails all taste delicious in butter. My mom always used to say, ‘Fish don’t count. They swim’.”

Ladybug put a hand over her mouth as she laughed. “Did she eat seafood often?”

Adrien shook his head. “No. No, she didn’t, but I think she felt so bad about causing me to have an existential crisis over eating meat that she was trying to make me feel better.”

Ladybug nodded, smiling warmly. “That was nice of her. Didn’t you get confused, though? I mean, other things swim besides fish.”

He giggle-snorted. “I did. I was very, very confused, so I just went with whatever my parents told me to eat. Is it any wonder dessert ended up being my favourite part of the meal? There’s nothing complicated about cake.”

“Amen to that,” Ladybug snickered, popping the mini raspberry tart into her mouth. “…Talk more about your mom. I mean, only if you want,” she hastily amended. “It’s just…it sounds like you have a lot of happy memories with her, and I was thinking that maybe…maybe you don’t get to talk about her a lot.”

She bit her lip, smiling tentatively, hoping she hadn’t miscalculated. She remembered him saying something to that effect to Marinette at some point.

“You don’t mind?” he inquired warily, wondering if she was just trying to be nice but wasn’t actually interested.

Most people couldn’t deal with all the baggage he had surrounding his mother, their complicated relationship, and her disappearance. He didn’t want to dump too much on Ladybug too soon right when they were just getting to know one another.

“I really want to know,” she insisted, leaning back and supporting her weight with one hand propped behind her. “I like hearing you talk.”

“Okay,” he agreed cautiously, taking a bite of his cucumber sandwich as he mentally fished for a suitable topic concerning his mother. “…I mentioned she was a stage actor. I used to spend a lot of time backstage with her. I got to see a lot of rehearsals and performances from behind the scenes.”

“Oooh, I bet that was really neat,” she cooed, watching as his eyebrows danced in excitement.

“It was!” he affirmed enthusiastically. “The theatre has always been a really magical place for me. I loved seeing how everything came together, how all the sets slowly coalesced into enchanted castles or Victorian sitting rooms or undersea grottos. How props were made and how costumes and lighting were designed. I always felt at home backstage,” he confessed wistfully.

“You sound like you miss it,” she noted quietly.

He nodded, his smile turning sad. “She disappeared seven years ago, and my father hasn’t really wanted anything to do with the theatre since then. It reminds him too much of her.”

“I’m sorry,” Ladybug offered helplessly, wishing she could soften his pain.

Adrien shrugged and tried to force his lips back into a neutral smile. “It is what it is. I mean, I’ve seen plays and musicals and operas since then, but…it’s not really the same as being on the other side of the curtain. I think the closest I’ve come is doing some voice acting. That’s similar in some ways, but…you know. Not really…. I actually did some acting myself when I was younger.”

She leaned back in, resting her elbows on her knees as she focused her attention on him. “Oh, yeah? I didn’t know that.”

She’d seen him participate in Nino’s movie projects and some school plays, but his father had never allowed him more than a bit part because his modeling and extracurricular activities schedule was already so full.

He nodded, enthusiasm slowly coming back. “My first role was when I was a baby and my mom was staring in A Streetcar Named Desire. I’ve been in a lot of shows with my mom. Some on my own too, but…nothing recently.” He gave a little sigh of discontentment.

“Have you ever thought about taking it up again?” she timidly pressed.

He paused, considering, surprised at her suggestion. “I hadn’t…actually thought of that. I mean…acting was something I really loved, so…”

His eyebrows slid together into a frown. “…My father would never let me, though. It’s too much Maman’s thing. It could never be mine. He wouldn’t like it.”

“No disrespect, but you’re legally an adult. And it’s your life, Adrien, not your father’s, so I don’t actually think he gets a say in whether you try out for some community theatre show or take an acting class next semester,” Ladybug replied, trying to keep the heat and annoyance she felt for Gabriel Agreste out of her voice.

Adrien blinked, staring at her for a good ten seconds before reacting with an “Oh” of enlightenment. “Yeah. I…You’re right. I could totally do that.”

“And you should,” she encouraged with a wide smile. “If that’s something you decide you want to do, I mean. Never let other people dictate how you live your life, Adrien. You should do what makes you happy first and foremost. So long as you’re not hurting anyone, you should just do whatever you want.”

He hummed thoughtfully as he finished off his cucumber finger sandwich and reached for another one. “…I think you’re onto something, Nelle. Acting used to be really important to me, and I even dreamed about doing it professionally when I was little, just like Maman. I think I’d like to give it a try again. At the very least, maybe it will help me reconnect with some of my memories of her. I know it can never be like how it was when we were onstage together, but…I’m sure it will still be a meaningful experience.”

“Definitely!” She nodded enthusiastically. “I hope so, anyway. It sounds like you and your mom were really close, so it would be great if you found a way to tap into something you used to share together again. Kind of like how you two used to make mint tea and salads when you were having a bad day.”

Adrien opened his mouth to reply but then stopped as his brain caught up with what she had said.

An impish grin unfurled across his lips. “I never told you about making salads with my mom.”

Ladybug’s eyes went wide in a panic at her slipup. “Yes, you did.”

He shook his head slowly, smirk growing larger. “No. I only told you about the mint tea. Marinette told you about the salads…. You did pump my friend for information about me, didn’t you, Nelle? Admit it,” he chuckled, having way too much fun with this.

“Just a little bit!” she protested, fiddling with her pink sunglasses as her entire face started to burn. “Marinette was the one who just went off gushing about you completely unsolicited!”

She should have been concerned with how easy it was to throw herself under the bus, but, in that moment, she was more than happy to make this Marinette’s problem so that Ladybug didn’t have to deal with it.

“She did?” Adrien asked breathlessly, as if in awe at the very thought of Marinette Dupain-Cheng gushing about him.

Ladybug froze. “Um…yeah. I mean… To be fair, she just wanted you to have a really nice date, so…so she told me some things she thought would help.”

A faint blush spread across the bridge of Adrien’s nose, and his smug grin morphed into a warm smile, touched by Marinette’s thoughtfulness. “That was really sweet of her,” he mumbled almost to himself. “She’s such a wonderful friend.”

Ladybug averted her eyes so as not to overheat and die from an overdose of Adrien’s adorableness.

“Yeah,” she chuckled nervously. “Marinette’s great.”

“Sorry,” Adrien groaned, catching himself. “We’re going to have to have some kind of rule about how we’re not allowed to talk about Marinette or something because it’s really hard for me not to rant about how awesome she is whenever someone brings her up. I’m sorry my crush on her is so obnoxious,” he apologized with a wince.

“No, it’s fine. Really,” she insisted, feeling bad for making him feel guilty. “I get it. It’s not a problem. I think it’s really sweet, actually.”

“Oh, good,” he laughed, giving the back of his neck a rub. “Because I know I’m kind of breaking one of the top five rules of dating by talking about another girl, but…”

He shook his head and looked out at the city, taking in the view. “…Anyway…. You wanted to hear more about my mom?”

“Mmhm,” she encouraged softly, starting on her scone.

“I was really close to her,” he added with a fond sort of melancholy. “Over the years, I’ve started to realize that she was far from perfect. She didn’t always get it right, but she tried really hard, and I knew she loved me, so…”

Ladybug nodded, commiserating. “My parents don’t always get it right either, but knowing that they love me no matter what is a big deal. It makes it easier to forgive them when they slip up and easier to ask for forgiveness when I’m the one in the wrong.”

Adrien hummed softly, mentally conjuring up an image of Ladybug’s parents, not for the first time. He’d always imagined them as fun and loving and energetic and encouraging. He’d always imagined them a little bit like Tom and Sabine. The anecdotes Ladybug had shared with Chat Noir reminded him of the Dupain-Chengs and his experiences with them as both Chat and Adrien.

“I still have a lot that I can’t really forgive my parents for,” Adrien whispered sadly, remembering the times when his mother had taken out her stress and mental health issues on him and the times when his father had been cold and distant when Adrien needed his love and support the most.

“I’m sorry,” Ladybug mumbled, regretting her part in summoning that rueful smile to Adrien’s lips.

He shook his head, and his grin went back to a careful neutral. “It’s okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t,” she assured. “I just feel bad for making you sad and…I don’t know…rubbing my family situation in your face? I didn’t mean to do that. I mean—”

“—No worries,” he cut her off before she could spiral further into guilt and awkwardness. “It’s…yeah.” He blew out a sigh as he tried to think of the best way to explain it. “It’s fine for you to talk about your family. It’s okay that you’re happy and that you have a good relationship with them. It’s great even. I’m actually really happy for you.”

“Oh,” she replied, her defences starting to come down. “I’m not making you feel bad or anything?”

He shook his head again. “What really makes me feel bad is making other people feel bad or awkward or whatever,” he confessed. “I know my father isn’t the best sometimes, and I know my mother either got murdered or abandoned me or something, so I know my homelife is really messed up, but…there were good times too. I had happy moments with my family, so… It’s okay.”

He caught her gaze and held it, his eyes completely earnest. “The best thing you can do is treat me like I’m like anyone else. Pretend I’m ‘normal’.” He put the word in air quotes and snickered, lightheartedly rolling his eyes. “Whatever that’s supposed to mean, you know? Just pretend I’m normal, and don’t feel like you have to walk on eggshells around me.”

She slowly began to nod. “Okay. All right. Thank you. I think I can do that.”

“Good,” he sighed in relief, looking back down at his plate. “And I apologize in advance if I say something that makes you uncomfortable. Like I said, I know my family is messed up, but it’s kind of what I’m used to, so…sometimes I just want to talk about things and not have people freak out on me. So…if I ever say something and you think, ‘Wow. His father is a real jerk’, I already know that, but…it’s my reality, so if you could just pretend I’m normal and not bring up things like ‘abuse’ and ‘neglect’, that would be really great.”

He looked back up at her with a sheepish smile. “Sorry. I don’t know if that made any sense, but I’m just kind of sensitive about it.”

“No, it did,” she assured, reaching out to rest a hand on his arm as she gave him a bolstering smile. “I get it. Sometimes you just want to talk about your experiences without having to worry about the other person thinking about you differently or treating you like you’re a freak. I get that from years of being Ladybug and not having anyone but Chat Noir and my kwami Tikki to process that with, so…I’ll do my best,” she promised. “I’d like to be a safe space for you so that you can just talk and vent without having to worry.”

He rested his hand on top of hers, relishing the skin-on-skin contact their suits had always deprived them of.

“Thank you,” he stressed sincerely. “I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you just trying. Not a lot of people even get what I’m talking about most of the time, so… Thanks.”

The warm gratitude contained in his smile made her heart feel like it was about to burst. “You’re very welcome.”

“So,” he chuckled softly, returning to the food as he released her hand and she pulled back. “Um…I’ve always admired my mother. She dealt with a lot with my father’s career. She never wanted to be a society wife, and I know what it’s like for me to have to go out there with my public persona and deal with the media and everyone’s opinion of me, so I know it’s tough. I know it must have been tough for her. She struggled a lot with mental health too, so it was really hard for her at times, but she always gave her acting her all. She loved it,” he informed with a fond smile. “She was always so passionate about her job, and I wanted that for myself. I wanted to do something that I could really throw myself into and derive a sense of satisfaction from.”

“You don’t feel that way about modeling, do you?” Ladybug remarked sadly.

As much as Marinette had always been a fan of the Gabriel brand and Adrien’s work as a model, she had slowly realized over the years that Adrien modeled for his father more out of obligation and in an attempt to have something in common with him rather than out of any kind of enjoyment of his job.

Adrien grimaced, popping one of the snickerdoodle macarons into his mouth to stall a little before having to answer. “…Honestly? …I hate it.”

Ladybug winced. “Sorry.”

He shrugged and shook his head. “It’s just how things are. I mean, I’ll eventually stop modeling and run the company when the time comes, but…”

“You don’t want to run your father’s company either,” she surmised. “…What are you studying in university?”

“Business,” he sighed, grabbing a lemon curd tart. “I kind of hate that too. I’m not really suited for it. I get by okay and do well in class, but it doesn’t come naturally to me, and I don’t enjoy it the way some of my classmates do.”

“So…other than for the sake of your relationship with your father, why are you doing this to yourself?” she dared to ask the question she had always wondered but never had the nerve to voice as Marinette.

He looked at her for a minute in surprise.

No one had ever asked him that before. No one had ever thought to ask Adrien what he wanted to do with his life, what his dreams were. Everything had always been assumed and planned by someone else, just like all the other aspects of his life had always been.

“I…” He pursed his lips and frowned, trying to come up with a good answer.

Why had he always gone along with it?

…Because that was the way that things had always been.

“I don’t think there is another reason,” he admitted.

“…Is your relationship with your father something you’re willing to be miserable the rest of your life for?” she pressed her luck, feeling emboldened behind her mask.

He looked away and laughed ruefully. “I don’t know how to answer that.”

“That’s okay,” she assured gently. “You don’t have to answer now, but…maybe that’s something you just want to think about going forward?”

He was quiet for a minute as he studied the blackcurrants in the scones. “…What else would I do if I didn’t run Gabriel and model?” he finally asked in a soft, uncertain tone.

“Well…brainstorm a bit,” she encouraged. “What are some things that sound fun? What would you want to do with your life? What do you think would make you happy?”

He pursed his lips and gave his mind permission to go where it willed. “I don’t know. I haven’t exactly let myself think about it because my future has always been set in stone, but…I have daydreamed about what it would be like to be a househusband,” he chuckled.

She couldn’t help but blush as she imagined coming home from her atelier to Adrien in the kitchen with their baby secured to him in a carrier sling and their toddler on his hip while the six-year-old played on the floor of the adjoining den with the dog.

“I think that’s completely impracticable, though, because I lack basic survival skills like the ability to clean a toilet or do laundry,” he added, trying to be honest about his skill set while still not scaring her away.

“Well, you could always learn,” she prompted, not wanting to give up her mental image of Adrien as homemaker.

He shook his head. “I don’t think I’d actually want to be a stay-at-home-dad anyway. Yes, I would love to spend that much time with my kids, but I’ve been stuck at home by myself my whole life. I really want a job where I can get out and interact with my peers, socialize, feel like I’m connected to others. I’m sure being a househusband would be great and rewarding in its own right, but I think I want to work outside of the home at least part-time.”

Ladybug bit her lip, considering his line of reasoning before ultimately deciding that he was right. “Okay. So, what else would you want to do?”

He hummed contemplatively, finishing off his scone as he mulled it over. “Maybe I could do something with piano?”

“That’s a thought,” she replied encouragingly. “You seem to enjoy it when you play with Kitty Section.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “I’m actually a big fan of ragtime and jazz. I like doing piano arrangements of popular songs too. I mean, I do love the classical repertoire as well, but I don’t think I’d enjoying touring as a soloist…if I were even that good,” he snorted disparagingly. “I’m not. My father will be the first to tell you I’m not good enough. I’m a hobbyist, really, so…I don’t think people would pay money to hear me play.”

“Could you teach?” she suggested, throwing the idea out there.

Adrien shrugged, his expression lukewarm. “I mean, I guess I could, but I don’t think I’d actually enjoy it. It’s not my passion. …It would be better than slaving away at my father’s company, though.”

“Well, what’s something you would enjoy?” she kept pressing him, trying to get him to think outside of the box. “You do so many activities. Could you do something with fencing? How about Chinese? Could you go teach French or English or something abroad? Could you be an interpreter? Translator?”

“I could translate manga,” he replied softly, surprised as the idea popped into his head. “I don’t know. That could either be fun or turn something I love into something that stresses me out.”

“It’s an idea, though,” she praised, giving him a wide smile of approval as a reward. “The point is just to get you to weigh your options and think of the possibilities. What else?”

He let out a startled laugh as an idea caught him off guard. “Okay, this is crazy, but I’ve sometimes daydreamed about Tom and Sabine Dupain-Cheng adopting me and teaching me how to be a baker.”

Her eyes flew open, and she blinked repeatedly in shock. “Oh, but…then you couldn’t marry Marinette.”

The smile fell off his face. “Shoot. That—” He caught himself and cut himself off before he could further explore the consequences of being adopted by the Dupain-Chengs on his love life. “Okay. I just want to point out that you brought up Marinette this time.”

Ladybug raised her hands in surrender. “Okay. Guilty. …What else would you want to do with your life?”

He tapped out a silent melody against his thigh with his left hand as he went back to the mental drawing board. “I don’t know. I’ve thought about being a florist. I think that would be nice, working with flowers and talking to customers. I don’t know much about flowers, but my mother had a garden, and I liked helping her out.”

She nodded supportively. “That’s a realistic idea. Honestly, you’ve probably made or inherited enough money that you don’t necessarily need to worry about working for a living. It should just be an enjoyable job that makes you happy and makes you feel accomplished. If you like working with people, a customer service job is perfectly respectable, even though it doesn’t make much.”

“My father would have a heart attack if I told him I was going to run away and become a shop clerk,” Adrien snickered, imagining the look on Gabriel’s face.

Ladybug had to hold in a burst of laughter at the mental image too and ended up snorting unattractively.

Of course, Adrien thought she had the most gorgeous snort ever.

“If that’s what makes you happy, though,” she pressed. “I don’t want you to end up wasting away, hating your job as a cog in the corporate machine. You deserve better than that.”

“Yeah,” he replied hesitantly. “I think maybe I do.”

“You do. Ask anyone,” she insisted.

He nodded, repeating, “Maybe I do. Maybe I should tell my father I want to…start acting classes next semester.”

“Really?” she asked excitedly.

“Yeah,” he affirmed with a wide smile. “I mean…why not? It’s fun, and I used to be good at it. I think I’m still good at it. I could at least give it a try and see if it sticks because anything would be better than taking over the company. I can always start there and see what happens, see if I find something I like better along the way.”

“Adrien, that’s wonderful!” she cheered, taking him by the hand and squeezing it joyously. “I’m so happy for you! This is definitely a step in the right direction. Like you said, you can go from here and see if you come up with something else you’d rather do, but just taking that first step and trying to find a career you’d enjoy is huge! Congratulations!”

“Thanks,” he chuckled in satisfaction, proud of himself for making such a big decision. “Seriously. Thank you for having this conversation with me. Like Marinette told you, I don’t get to make my own choices much because everything in my life is so structured and things are often decided for me, so this really is a big deal. I hadn’t ever seriously thought about trying to change the course others had set me on. Thank you, Nelle.”

She couldn’t bear to meet his gaze as he beamed at her like she had created the solar system. It was too much for her already overflowing heart.

“You’re welcome,” she mumbled shyly. “I’m really just glad I could help.”

“You did,” he insisted, “and I shall forever be in your debt.”

“I don’t know about that,” she hummed in amusement, giving his hand a squeeze before pulling back and returning to her fast-cooling tea. “So…what kind of roles would you be interested in acting? And would you do stage plays like your mom or musicals or movies or TV shows or what? What kind of characters do you want to play? I can easily see you as the charming romantic male lead,” she chuckled.

He bit his lip and thought for a moment, recalling theatre productions that held special meaning for him. “I’m thinking plays and musicals mostly. Maybe some occasional opera or movies or TV, but mainly the stage. …And…I’m not sure about romantic male leads, honestly.”

She arched an eyebrow in open curiosity. “Oh, no? What kind of characters interest you?”

“Well…” He bit the inside of his cheek, remembering the roles his mother had performed over the years, the characters he’d looked up to and wanted to be like. “I mean, yeah. Obviously, there are some lead male romantic roles that I’d be interested in, but…”

He looked away and scratched at the back of his neck as he tried to decide how and whether to go into it.

He gazed back at her and replied cautiously, “The roles I’m most drawn to are actually female roles. Like Laura in The Glass Menagerie or Shelby in Steel Magnolias or Viola in Twelfth Night or Irina in Three Sisters.”

She blinked in surprise. “O-Oh.”

“I think it’s because I’ve always really admired my mom, and those were the kinds of roles she’d play,” he hastily explained, beginning to fidget with the cuff of his sleeve. “I grew up idolizing these characters and aspiring to be like them. I’ve always identified more strongly with female characters in fiction.”

He looked up nervously to see how she was processing this, and she seemed to be listening with surprised curiosity, no disgust or horror or judgment, so he tentatively continued.

“It’s because of how I was raised. I mean, I’ve always been really sheltered, really controlled and restricted. I know there are strong female characters who shape their own destinies in fiction too, but I saw a lot of movies and read a lot of books where the female characters didn’t always have that power, and I really identified with them,” he explained ruefully, gaze flicking down to the half-eaten lemon curd tart on his plate.

“So the roles I’m more interested in are women who use whatever they have at hand to take control of their lives and make the best of their situations and find happiness, even though the system is stacked against them,” he mumbled, hoping at least some of what he was saying made sense to her.

“…I can see the appeal of portraying a story that aligns more closely with your own,” Ladybug replied carefully, wary of tripping the wrong wire.

He looked up at her in surprise, pleased at her neutral-to-positive response. “Oh, good. Because I was kind of worried about what you would think of me saying, ‘Yeah. I want to cross-dress and play women’s parts’.”

She shook her head, assuring, “No. The way you explained it makes sense. If you identify with the characters, you identify with the characters.”

His dour expression lightened a bit as he nodded, happy that she was hearing him and understanding at least somewhat. “Good. Because…I know everyone always sees me as some handsome, rich, prince-like personality or Paris’s most eligible bachelor, but the truth is, I’m more of a princess.”

Her head tipped to the side curiously at his word choice. “How so?” she inquired carefully, not wanting to step on any toes.

“I told you about how Marinette is a butt-kicking, world-saving princess, right?”

She nodded, remember the conversation they’d had the week before when she’d seen her civilian identity listed as “Princesse” in his phone.

“Well, I’m the ‘princess in a tower’ variety,” he sighed. “I’m a princess trying to break free of her prison so she can find happiness and be her authentic self. I’m not quite sure how I’m going to get there yet, but…I’m working on it.”

Ladybug bit her lip as what Adrien had been saying struck a chord in her mind. “Adrien?” she called tentatively.

“Hm?” He met her gaze.

“I know you said you identified most strongly with female characters,” she proceeded with caution, “but would you also say that you identify more as female yourself?”

He paused and blinked at her as he pondered the question. “…I don’t know,” he replied after careful consideration. “I mean, no, probably not, but I don’t necessarily identify very strongly with the typical male stereotypes either. I’m just me,” he summarized.

She nodded, accepting his answer. “Okay. Thanks for answering.”

“Sure,” he replied with a slowly growing smile. “I mean…I don’t know if that was much of an answer. I’m sure it raised more questions than it put to rest, but…I guess the main thing is that it’s not a big deal to me. I don’t feel uncomfortable in my body, and there’s nothing in particular I feel like I need to change physically or behaviorally. And, besides, the idea of ‘gender’ is just a societal construct that’s completely made up anyway, so I don’t personally feel like it’s important or relevant in my life.”

Ladybug nodded, not really fully understanding but getting the important parts.

“Like I said, there are male roles that I’d want to play too,” he continued, encouraged by her supportive response, “but I wish people wouldn’t freak out if I said I wanted to be Elsa or Elphaba or Jasmine. I wish there weren’t these dumb rules telling me what I’m allowed to do because I have a Y chromosome,” he huffed and then paused as he mentally reviewed the conversation.

“I’m sorry. This is kind of a heavy topic, isn’t it?” he realized, grimacing and hoping he hadn’t freaked her out.

“It’s fine,” she assured. “I mean gender identity isn’t something I’ve ever really thought about too much, so it’s really interesting to hear you talk about it.”

“Sorry,” he repeated, wondering if this was going to come back to bite him. “I realize this is sort of a weird conversation for a first date.” He winced, mumbling, “Maybe this is why I generally don’t get invited on second dates.”

“No. Adrien, you’re seriously fine,” she insisted, giving his sleeve a playful tug. “Thank you for sharing. I’m really glad that you felt comfortable talking about this with me.”

He gave her a scrutinizing look, worried that she was just being nice so that he didn’t get akumatized but secretly planning to never ask him out again. “Are you sure? I haven’t scared you away?”

She shook her head, giving him a kind smile. “No, you goof. Absolutely not. Like I said before, I genuinely want to get to know the real you, Adrien, so I’m actually really excited to learn more about you.”

She seemed sincere, but he was only ninety percent convinced. He’d have to see how the rest of the date went.

“Okay,” he eventually relented. “But…maybe you talk now,” he suggested with a sheepish chuckle. “I feel like I’m monopolizing the conversation with all of my deep, dark confessions. Tell me something about you,” he prompted, peridot eyes gazing hopefully, expectantly, into hers.

She gulped. “Oh. Um…. Okay. I…” She bit her lip, trying to come up with something sufficiently deep that it would balance out the things he had shared with her without being something so personal that it would jeopardize her secret identity.

She looked out at the city and took a deep breath. “I guess…in terms of ‘confessions’…I don’t know if this is necessarily considered a dark secret, but it is something I try to keep hidden.”

“Yeah?” he prompted gently, watching the way the bright, late-afternoon sun lit her face as he sipped at his mint tea.

“I doubt myself a lot,” she confided. “We talked about this a bit last week when I visited to ask you out, but I feel like the public sees me as this infallible, magical machine whom they can always rely on to save the day and figure things out and miraculously fix everything, but…the truth is, under this mask, I’m just a twenty-year-old trying to make it through university and succeed in my career and maybe find love and not screw up too bad.”

She smiled bitterly and shook her head. “I’m not perfect. I mess up. I make really disastrous mistakes sometimes, and there are times when I don’t know what to do.”

She looked up and continued in a slightly guarded tone, “Did you know I almost didn’t become Ladybug?”

His eyes widened as his heart sank at the thought of never meeting her, never fighting by her side, never knowing the joys and pain of loving her. “What?” he breathed.

She shook her head, chuckling ironically. “That first akuma was really rough for me. I had zero self-confidence, and I was totally freaking out. I mean, I was thirteen and a total klutz. I couldn’t even stand up for myself against bullies. How the hell was I supposed to fight supervillains and save Paris?”

“So, what happened?” he pressed, setting aside his teacup.

“I tried to give the earrings to a friend. I slipped them into her bag, but she didn’t find them, and then she was in danger, and…” She shrugged. “I sucked it up and put on the earrings. Mostly it was Chat Noir, though.”

His heart forgot how to beat for a second, and his lungs momentarily stopped functioning. “Chat Noir?”

She nodded, her smile turning warm and affectionate.

He nearly died of happiness on the spot, seeing her wear that expression while thinking about him.

“He believed in me,” she explained, her grin growing wider. “He believed in me and encouraged me to keep going when I didn’t believe in myself. I’m only Ladybug today because of him.”

“Oh,” Adrien exhaled, heart fluttering in his ears.

To hear her say that… He hadn’t known how much his words had meant to her, what an effect he’d had.

“Yeah,” she affirmed, chuckling to herself as she picked up a tuna salad sandwich. “So, I’ve never been very good at being my own cheerleader. I’ve struggled with self-doubt from the very beginning, and I’ve never really gotten much better. I mean, I have gained some self-confidence with each year of experience, but…I still doubt myself all the time.”

“How so?” he inquired.

In truth, he already had a good idea. She’d sometimes confided in Chat Noir about her doubts and sought comfort in his friendship, but he wanted her to feel comfortable telling Adrien as well.

Plagg had been right that the dynamic between Ladybug and Adrien would be different than between Ladybug and Chat Noir, but Adrien wanted to do all that he could to shrink the divide between them as fast as possible.

“Well,” she cleared her throat and looked away with a soft, cherry blossom blush to match her sunglasses. “Just the latest example of me doubting myself and chickening out would be asking you out as Ladybug.”

His eyebrows inched together into a slightly befuddled frown. “How so?”

She bit her lip and glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, seeming to size him up as she debated how much to tell him. “…We’ve met before.”

He quirked an eyebrow, thinking that that much was obvious. She’d saved Adrien any number of times over the years.

“When I’m not Ladybug,” she clarified.

“Oh,” he replied, trying not to overreact because he knew she’d freak out if he let slip that he had figured that they knew one another as civilians when she’d asked him out.

“Yeah,” she sighed, still mentally kicking herself. “I could have approached you as myself, but I was afraid you wouldn’t say yes, and I’d heard you were a fan of Ladybug, so…”

“…From Alya?” he deduced.

She gave a start and stared at him like a mouse staring down a cobra. “Ye—No. What? No. Why would I—? …Alya who?”

He snorted in laughter and shook his head. “You know Alya who. The only people who know about my ludicrous crush on you are my friends Nino, Luka, and Alya. Alya told you, didn’t she?”

Ladybug froze in a panic, mind reeling as she tried to process what exactly Adrien thought he knew and how he knew it and what was going on. Eventually, she gave up and admitted defeat.

“She was just trying to give me the confidence to get me to confess to you as me. She didn’t mean to rat you out or anything. She was just trying to help because she knew we both liked one another, so please don’t be mad,” she pleaded, sick with herself at having given Alya away.

Meanwhile, Adrien was internally panicking because Ladybug very much made it sound like Alya knew her secret identity, and he wasn’t sure what to think about that.

On the outside, he kept his composure, pushing away those thoughts for contemplation later and assuring, “I’m not angry. No worries. Like you said, she was just trying to help us.”

Ladybug nodded, sighing half in relief, half in regret. “I should have listened to her. I should have believed in myself a little more and just sucked it up and asked you out as myself instead of hiding behind this mask.” She clicked her tongue and shook her head. “I wish I would have asked you as me.”

“Yeah,” he replied softly, wistfully. “Me too.”

She turned to look at him in open astonishment. “Really? You do?”

He slipped his hand into hers, giving her a glowing smile that lit up his chlorophyll-green eyes. “Yeah, I really do. I know I’d love you under the mask once I got to know you.”

“Oh,” she gasped, her entire being melting even as she wondered how he came up with these lines and delivered them in such a way that the came across as painfully sweet and one hundred percent in earnest.

“Oh,” she repeated, realizing yet again how profoundly she had screwed this up. “I really should have asked you out as me because I don’t think we can keep doing this superhero dating thing,” she confessed in a tortured groan.

His eyes flew open in alarm. “Wait. What?”

He knew that. Deep down, he knew that it couldn’t be, but the prospect of living in a world where he knew she loved him and yet couldn’t be with him was becoming less and less supportable the more time he spent with her pretending that he could have this dream come true without any consequences.

She shook her head, looking down at the basilica roof. “I’m sorry. Just this short time we’ve spent together today has already been incredibly fun. I do like you, and I am having a good time, but the more I think about this all rationally, I don’t think this is tenable.”

He hated when she stopped and thought with her head instead of her heart. He was really enjoying his date with rash, impulsive Ladybug, and he wasn’t quite ready for responsible Ladybug to come back yet.

“I mean,” she continued with a snort, “putting aside all the safety issues, how can you be in a relationship with a girl who lies to you?”

He blinked, taken aback by her point of focus.

“You’re not lying,” he responded automatically, gaping at her in surprise.

She grimaced and sent a sheepish smile his way. “I’m sort of lying,” she haggled. “At the very least, I’m not telling the whole truth…and I feel like a horrible person,” she blew out with a sigh, regretting having sunk this low.

“You’re not a horrible person,” he whispered, scooting in closer and placing a reassuring hand on her back, beginning to rub soothing circles as his other hand gave hers a squeeze. “You’re not. You’re amazing and kind and brilliant and selfless. You’re one of the best people I know, Nelle.”

Her lips were slowly persuaded to form a genuine smile at his unwavering patience and support. “Thank you…. Part of me still feels like a liar, though.”

He bit his lip. “…Well, you’re not a horrible person…and maybe I have my own secrets,” he suggested, trying to lighten the load of guilt upon her shoulders.

She looked up at him, eyes narrowing as they studied his face searchingly. “Adrien…are you…?”

He held his breath, mind and pulse racing as he debated the odds of her having figured him out. She was exceptionally sharp.

“Are you Papillon?” she teased, arching a mock-skeptical eyebrow.

He burst out laughing. “Not…Not to my knowledge,” he managed, half relieved and half disappointed.

“Then, I think I can forgive you,” she informed softly, leaning in to place the daydream of a kiss to his cheek.

He nearly swooned.

“…I just hope you can forgive me,” she added in a dejected whisper.

“I’d forgive you anything…” He touched his lips to her temple, tempted to call her “My Lady” and out himself then and there.

“…Nelle.”

#Ladrien #Adrinette #Adrienette #Miraculous Ladybug #Miraculous Ladybug Fanfiction #Fluff #Comfort #Supportive Ladybug #Talking #Getting to Know You #Date #Ladybug #Marinette Dupain-Cheng #Adrien Agreste #Chat Noir #Mikau's Writings #Drunk Ladybug on My Balcony? Yeah. This is Fine.

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